T’Challa Contest Entry – Gaumer

Black Slacker

An Original Comic Book Script
by Gaumer

The Baxter Building. Home of the First Family of Super-Heroics, The Fantastic Four. But also temporary home to FF stand-ins, Black Panther and Storm.

First scene opens and we see T’Challa sitting on a couch in the living room of the Fantastic Four. He is in just his underwear and his mask. Although he does have the bottom of his mask pulled up as he pours another beer into his belly. The TV is on “The Las Vegas Poker Invitational” and the coffee table is covered with pizza boxes, empty beer cans, and the Panther’s feet.

T’Challa
(looking at the TV)
Wait for the river…BOOYA!!! He bluffed you, idiot. What a loser.

In the kitchen adjacent to the living room around a small table sits FF members Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm and Ororo Monroe. Ben and Johnny aren’t happy with their new house guest and have decided to confront T’Challa’s wife Storm about the problem.

Ben
It’s like having three Johnny’s living in the house.

Johnny
Hey! I know I used to be pretty messy, but this is ridiculous. The guy hasn’t moved off the couch in a week. It’s starting to smell in here.

Ben
He’s right, Storm. If Sue was here she’d be kicking you two out of here. But since her and Stretch are on the Dr. Phil show trying to save their marriage, we don’t have much choice.

Johnny
That and the fact that “The Fantastic Two” just doesn’t have the same feel, you know?

Storm
I understand you’re predicament gentlemen, but what do you want from me? You should see him at home. At least he’s kept his underwear on.

Johnny
EEEWWW!!

Ben
OK, Storm. You and T’Challa are our friends. You’ve helped us out of some sticky situations. But when we said you guys could stay with us…well…we didn’t expect the King of Wakanda to be such a…such a…

Johnny
A dirty slob??

Ben
Yea. A dirty slob.

Storm
Ok guys. I’ll talk to him. I’ll get him to clean the place up a little.

Ben
What about him wearing pants??

Storm: I cant promise anything on that Ben. He IS from Africa after all.
(Note to iFanboy: very tasteless joke)

Back in the living room we see Storm with folded arms behind the couch watching her husband masturbating to a music videos on BET.

T’Challa
Oh yea. Work that shit Beyonce.

Storm

T’Challa
Oh crap!! Busted, huh? Beyonce ain’t got nothing on you, Hot Legs. But when a Panther gets an urge, GGGRRRRR baby, hahaha.

Storm
We need to talk, T’Challa.

T’Challa
Go ahead Sugar Butt. I’m all ears.

Storm
Can you at least get you hand out of you underwear and turn off the TV?

T’Challa
TV off? OK. Hand out of underwear? Not yet.

Storm
T’Challa, we are guests in the Baxter Building. This isn’t the Wakandan Royal Palace. You can’t leave you trash laying around everywhere, you can’t just lay around in your underwear all day and you cannot ask Franklin to go get you a dime-bag from school.

T’Challa
But school kids have the best stuff.

Storm
T’Challa. You are my husband and my King, but you have been very disrespectful to out hosts and they are getting sick of it.

T’Challa
I’m the King of Wa-freakin’-kanda, Honey Tits. What do you want me to do? Clean?

Storm
That’s exactly what I want you to do T’Challa. I’m going to take Johnny and Ben out for a nice lunch and when we get back I what the house clean and I want you in pants.

T’Challa
You didn’t mind my pants off last night.

Storm
Umm, actually, I did mind that. Your breath smelled like cat shit.

Storm and the boys leave T’Challa to clean up the house.

(A few hours later)

We see T’Challa, still in his underwear, now in a clean living room holding 5 trash bags full of pizza boxes, empty beer cans and whatnot.

T’Challa
Now where do I put all this trash?

T’Challa wanders around the apartment, still in his underwear and mask (only), looking for some place to put his trash. With bags in tow we see him in various rooms. He makes his way to the kitchen (drinks a few more beers)

Then into Reed’s and Sue’s room. He rummages through some drawers and finds some of Sue’s panties. Of course, he takes a few sniffs.

Then T’Challa wonders into one of Reed’s research rooms and sees a portal of some kind.

T’Challa
Sweet!! A portal!! Now how do I turn this thing on??

T’Challa fiddles with some buttons on a panel and finally the portal flashes to life. T’Challa throws the bags of trash into the portal.

T’Challa
Out of sight, out of mind. Storm should be happy now. The little Panther should get some attention tonight. I need a beer.

In the Negative Zone. The Negative Zone prison for super-humans.

Captain Marvel is speaking to the robotic servant C.L.O.C.

Captain Marvel
What is that C.L.O.C.?

CLOC
It’s a portal opening from the Baxter Building so it must be from Reed Richards.

Captain Marvel
What’s he sending us this time?

CLOC
It appears to be some sort of refuse.

Captain Marvel
It’s his trash??

CLOC
Affirmative

Captain Marvel
That’s it!! I’m sick of this job. The Negative Zone is where Earth is sending its trash now?? Well let’s just see what high and mighty Reed Richards and Mr.S.H.I.E.L.D. Tony Stark do when the warden gets fed up? CLOC, open up all cells, activate all portals and evacuate the prison
immediately. I’ll show those bastards.

As all the imprisoned super humans begin their escape to Earth, we close with T’Challa sitting on the couch and drinking another beer. He’s watching reruns of American Gladiators. Valeria walks into the room.

T’Challa
Hey girl, what’s up?? Hey do me a favor? Pull my finger.