T’Challa Contest Entry – Benjamin

Scene 1

The Baxter Building Living Room. T’Challa, Ororo, Johnny Storm, and Benjamin Grimm watch television. T’Challa has commandeered the remote control, and his passion for the Spanish Channel is unrelenting.

BEN
Aw, c’mon Charlie. We’ve been watchin’ this Spanish soap opera for hours. Let someone else flip around, will ya?

T’CHALLA
Never!

[Extends vibranium claws from gloved finger tips, begins cat-like hissing]

BEN
Sweet Aunt Petunia!

JOHNNY
Relax, Ben. He’s just watchin’ this show for the ladies, ain’t that right T’Challa? I do the same thing. Though, not quite sure if I would if I had a wife as hot as yours. Just sayin’.

T’CHALLA
Silence! I watch this show for the compelling stories, and gripping dialogue, not some paltry pleasure!

ORORO
Honey, you don’t even speak Spanish…

T’CHALLA
Taco! Sí hable español de enchilada.

[Minutes of awkward silence pass.]

JOHNNY
So, uh, T’Challa. I was thinking, since we were so kind as to invite you into our home, maybe one day you could return the favor. A Wakandan vacation as guest in the royal palace would be fantastic!

T’CHALLA
I would love to, really I would, but I’m afraid outsiders aren’t permitted in Wakanda. Sorry.

BEN
But aren’t you, y’know, married to an outsider?

T’CHALLA
Yes… but that’s allowed, for reasons you would not understand. You non-Wakandans could not even begin to understand our advanced ways.

[Enter Reed Richards]

REED
Would those advanced ways include leaving a wet towel where ever you happen to be standing when you deem yourself sufficiently dry?

T’CHALLA
… Yes.

[Reed looks on quizzically.]

T’CHALLA
Don’t try to wrap your meager intellect around our advanced Wakandan ways, Reed Richards! I have tolerated enough interruption. I must insist all of you leave me to watch my stories in peace.

Scene 2

The Baxter Building Kitchen. Reed and Sue are joined by T’Challa and Ororo for coffee and conversation.

REED
…and then I said “devour this!” and shot him with the ultimate nullifier.

T’CHALLA
[laughs obnoxiously]
Ha ha ha! Reed Richards, your tales of cosmic intrigue never fail to amuse me. Surly you would make a fine jester in my Wakandan courts.

[Reed and Sue shoot each other nervous glances.]

REED
Speaking of Wakanda… when do you plan to return there? It’s been a few weeks an–

T’CHALLA
Fear not! Though your humble accommodations pale in comparison to my awesome palace, I can rule Wakanda remotely just fine. I will continue to honor you with my presence for many months to come.

REED
… Okay…
[to Sue]
Well, honey, I’m off to bed.

SUE
Yes, dear. I’m just going to finish this coffee then I’ll join you.

[Reed exits.]

ORORO
I feel it is time for me to retire, as well. [to T’Challa] Won’t you join me, beloved?

T’CHALLA
Shortly, my queen. For I too wish to finish my beverage.

[Ororo exits.]

SUE
So, T’Challa, how are you enjoying your stay in America?

T’CHALLA
It is great… [sighs] but, I’ve become quite home sick.

SUE
Well, you have a jet. So you could pretty easily go home if you want.

T’CHALLA
It’s just the cultural differences. I’m having trouble adapting.

SUE
Really? Because you pretty much redecorated our entire building to look like your embassy.

T’CHALLA
It’s not that, it’s just… the customs… !

SUE
Well, anything we can do to make you feel more comfortable…

T’CHALLA
Really? Anything?

SUE
Yes… ?

T’CHALLA
Well, you see, in Wakanda it is customary for a female host to, um… offer herself to her male guests.

SUE
Excuse me?

T’CHALLA
Of course, no one has to know…

SUE
Are you suggesting we have sex?! Are you insane? You’re a married man. I’m a married woman! What’s wrong with you?

T’CHALLA
If you aren’t interested, a simple no will suffice. You don’t have to be rude.

SUE
Rude?! You’re lucky I don’t tell Reed. For that matter, you’re lucky I don’t tell Ororo! Good night!

[Sue storms out angrily.]

T’CHALLA
… Bitch.

Scene 3

The Baxter Building. Johnny Storm is awoken late at night by the sound of a loud Spanish soap opera and several cats. He investigates in the living room where T’Challa is watching television, surrounded by many alley cats.

JOHNNY
Wha… ? Where did all these cats come from?

T’CHALLA
Are you accusing me of bringing them here?!

JOHNNY
Well, you are the only one awake. … And you’re dressed as a cat.

T’CHALLA
Can I help it if I wish to be in the company of my own kind?

JOHNNY
Oh, really? These cats from Wakanda?

T’CHALLA
Why don’t you ask them, hm? Oh, that’s right, you can’t communicate with felines. How silly of me to forget.

JOHNNY
Neither can you. You don’t have any powers. You’re just a guy… Who dresses like a cat.

T’CHALLA
You dare question my power?!
[T’Challa stands abruptly and points toward Johnny]
Attack him my minions!

ALLEY CAT #1
Meow?

T’CHALLA
… You’re right, he’s not worth the effort. Let us continue to watch these saucy senoritas.
[Sits back down to watch television.]

JOHNNY
That’s it, dude, I’m getting Reed.

[Minutes later. Enter Johnny with Reed.]

REED
I’m sorry, T’Challa, but I’m afraid you’ve outstayed your welcome. I kindly ask you to leave.

T’CHALLA
Quiet! Lest you incur the wrath of the Panther God!

REED
Actually, I’ve determined the “Panther God” is not real. It’s simply a drug-induced hallucination. In fact, I’ve proven it with this simple mathematic formula.

T’CHALLA
Enough! Now bare witness to the awesome power of the Panther God!
[to Panther God]
Mighty One, I am the instrument of your will. What should you have me do? . . . I agree. I, too, suffer from the munchies. We will go forth, Panther God, and raid the Fantastic Fridge!

[T’Challa gets up, and heads to the kitchen.]

JOHNNY
Um, we don’t call it that.
[to Reed]
Does he know we don’t call it that?

The End… ?