T’Challa Contest Entry – Aaron Tavaler

Meet the X-Men
by Aaron Tavaler

Scene 1

[T’Challa and Ororo walking towards X Mansion with big letters on the top – in sky – saying “Meet the X-Men” (the name being inspired by “Meet the Parents”). Next they’re both at the front door and ring the door bell.]

[Doorbell rings in the theme song from the old 90’s X-Men Cartoon. T’Challa and Ororo are hand-in-hand waiting at the door. Ororo twitches nervously.]

T’Challa
Ororo, stop moving so much. Calm down. You used to live here. You were a teammate and even lead the X-Men for a while. These are your friends. You have nothing to be worried about.

Ororo
Oh I know T’Challa. It’s just… well… I’ve never brought my boyfriend to the house before and certainly not to stay over for a couple of days. I know it’s time we made the announcement and I really want you to meet them and get to know everyone. It’s not like I have any other family. It’s not like we’re just meeting friends. You understand, don’t you?

T’Challa
‘Course I understand [inner monologue voice: “I really have no idea what she’s talking about”]

[The door opens and Charles Xavier wheels out.]

Xavier
T’Challa. Ororo! Welcome to my humble home. Everybody is eager to see you!

[Ororo goes up to the Xavier and kisses him on his bald head!]

Ororo
It’s so lovely to see again, Professor! Wait a minute. Aren’t you able to walk again?

[Xavier speaks as he starts to roll into the X Mansion with T’Challa and Ororo following him.]

Xavier
You know I don’t actually remember. Walking, not walking, it’s happened so many times that I just sit in a chair to be safe. I guess this is a result of all my bad karma when I was a kid. Do you know what I did when I was a kid?

[Ororo looks at T’Challa awkwardly than back at Xavier as they stop in the living room.]

Ororo
No professor… What did you do when you were I kid?

Xavier
Whenever I found myself in a hospital, I would play with the wheelchairs. I would roll right out in front of all the disabled kids and pretend I was wheelchair bound as well. Then, when it was time to leave, I would pop right out of the chair and tell them that I was a much better person than they were! The little shits!

[There is an incredibly awkward silence. T’Challa and Ororo stare in shock at Xavier and then Ororo notices Scott Summers a.k.a. Cyclops coming out of another room.]

Ororo
[Moving quickly away from Xavier]
Scott, it’s great to see you!

[She runs over and hugs him].

Ororo
Could you get everybody together I have an announcement to make.

Scott
[Panicking slightly] Oh God! You’re not going to be leading the X-Men again, are you?

Ororo
No Scott, I’ve just got something big to announce to everyone.

Scott
[Relieved] Oh thank God! This is kind of all I have in life you know and… Never mind. I’ll go get everybody. And can the snappy banter!

[Scott leaves to get the rest of the X-Men. T’Challa looks pensively at Ororo]

T’Challa
You weren’t even engaged in any snappy banter!

[The next moment a lot of X-Men are in the room. They’re all excited to see Ororo.]

Ororo
[Addressing everyone] Alright everybody. I’m here to make an announcement about me and the Black Panther. We’re engaged! I want you all to get to know him so we are staying for a couple of days. And you’re all invited to the wedding!

[There is a general murmur of excitement amongst the crowd but Scott and Xavier look at each other meaningfully.

Xavier
That’s great news, Storm and we’re all very excited for you. Why don’t you both go up to your rooms and rest up before dinner. Then, we can all get to know T’Challa a little better.

[T’Challa and Ororo walk up the stairs until they’re out of earshot. The rest of the the X-Men disperse. Then, Cyclops moves over to Xavier.

Scott
How could she bring him here, Professor! Everybody knows he’s a… a… a…

Xavier
A jerk Scott. I know. But if Ororo loves him, that’s all that matters. Let’s give him a chance.

Wolverine
[Lounging on the couch with a beer] Alright Chuck! I’ll give him some space but if he messes things up, he’ll have to deal with me. Because I’m–

Everybody still in the room
The best at what I do!

Scene 2:

[It’s much later and some of the X-Men including T’Challa and Ororo are watching the TV in the living room. Wolverine gets up and moves towards the kitchen.]

Wolverine
I’m going to get another beer. I can’t stand the nature shows you watch. They’re complete bull!

[He slinks off to the kitchen for beer.]

[A couple of moments pass where everyone continues to stare at the TV].

Wolverine
[Bursting in, brown costume in tatters]
There’s a giant monster in front of the mansion and we’re under attack! I need all available X-Men it once!

[Immediately, most of the X-Men start to get up and rush out. T’Challa looks at Wolverine quizzically.]

T’Challa
Wait a minute! Aren’t you in the kitchen getting beer?

Wolverine
Yeah.

T’Challa
And you’re fighting a monster outside in a different costume?

Wolverine
Yeah, what’s your point? There are people dying out there right now and they need help.

[Cuts quickly to the X-Men on the floor yelling and screaming being defeated by a monster.]

[Cut back to the mansion.]

Wolverine
Storm, we could really use your help!

Ororo
Oh I don’t know! This could take a while. Only if you’re okay with it T’Challa.

T’Challa
It’s okay honey. Go have fun with your friends. Who is my little storm goddess?

Ororo
And who’s my kitty cat King?

Wolverine
[Getting impatient.]
We don’t have much time. Come on! The only reason I was able to keep it at bay for so long was because I’m–

Large Chorus of X-Men Voices from outside
[Yelling]
…the best at what I do!

[Wolverine growls angrily. Wolverine and Ororo exit and storm gets up and they go outside.]

[T’Challa is bored and slumps down on the couch while looking at the TV. After a little bit he hears noises from downstairs and goes to investigate.]

[Downstairs, he sees the Beast doing some experiments and is immediately intrigued.]

T’Challa
Hey Beast what’s going on?

Beast
[Startled, Beast drops the scientific equipment he’s using and it spills everywhere.]
Oh! T’Challa. You snuck up on me!

T’Challa
[In a very seductive voice.]
Sorry about that. I’m just wondering, you having feline characteristics like me: what do pussycats do for fun around here?

[Beast looks at him curiously as T’Challa shuts the door.]

Scene 3:

Ororo
[Coming in after the fight. Is looking for T’Challa.]
T’Challa baby where are you? I’ve got a lot to talk to you about. What a battle. It was just like old ti–

[She stops as she hears noises from downstairs and slowly starts descending the stairs. Muffled voices can be heard.]

T’Challa
Oh yeah! Grab my balls and play with them you big hairy beast!

[Ororo comes to Beasts bedroom door and is horrified by the sounds within. Lots of panting. Sounds of movement.]

Beast
Oh yes! Now you grab mine. See mine are so much firmer. Yes!

[Ororo opens the door to see Beast and T’Challa both on Beasts bed playing with a large balls of string like cats. Lying down on the bed rolling from side to side on all fours playing vigorously with the balls of string. Suddenly T’Challa looks over at the door and sees Ororo standing in the doorway shocked.]

T’Challa
[Still clutching the ball of string]
Ororo baby! It’s not what it looks like. We were just having fun. No, wait! Come back!

[Ororo leaves the room with a gust of wind. T’Challa stops playing with the ball of string and looked down at the floor while Beast is still madly playing away with the ball of yarn.]

Scene 4:

T’Challa
[Sitting on the couch, on the phone, talking.]
Yeah man. She said it was too weird so she went to go hang out with her friends or whatever. I’m pretty broken up about it. What? You coming over? No nobody’s around. Come on over.

[A little bit later the doorbell rings. T’Challa answers it. At the door is Prince Namor with a bag of potato chips looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here.]

T’Challa
[Excitedly]
Namor! So glad you could make it, man. I could really use some support.

Namor
Don’t thank me it was his idea.

[He motions behind him as he enters and sits on the couch. Behind him comes Black Bolt, King of the Inhumans with a six-pack of beer that he shows to T’Challa.]

Namor
He figured you could use a King party.

[T’Challa shakes Black Bolts hand and hugs him. They sit at the couch.]

T’Challa
Thanks guys. Things have been rough around here ever since the misunderstanding with Ororo. Everybody’s been treating me like I’m some kind of… of… of…

Namor
Jerk? Because that’s what you are. You are a jerk.

[T’Challa looks quizzically at Namor who is eating chips. Black Bolt is getting beer for everyone.]

T’Challa
Why are you even here Namor? You hate the surface world and avoid coming here at all costs. Particularly to hang out with us.

Namor
[Speaking with a reluctant air about him as if this is costing him a lot to say.]
Well if you will not stop insisting with your impudent questions:. I came for the alcohol.

[T’Challa and Black Bolt both look at Namor.]

T’Challa
Really? You gotta be kidding me!

Namor
[Angrily]
No I’m not “kidding you” as you put it! I live underwater for God sakes! I drink nothing but water, day and night. How can I not? It’s around me constantly! And every time I tried to drink alcohol in my kingdom, the water just dilutes it. You don’t know how frustrating it is to run an underwater nation and not be able to have a nice brew every once in a while! And that’s why I came to this godforsaken land. Now give me a beer!

[Black Bolt immediately gives Namor a beer. Soon all three of them have a beer and T’Challa decides to give a toast.]

T’Challa
All right guys. Let’s forget about our sorrows and get really drunk! Party time!

Scene 5:

[The X-Men are outside, walking towards the door of the X mansion, all having just defeated the monster, and are talking excitedly about the day’s events. Scott, Wolverine, Xavier and Ororo are at the front and the three men seem to be trying to comfort her.]

Xavier
It’s probably nothing. I’m sure he has a perfectly good explanation for what happened. He doesn’t strike me as irresponsible.

[They open the door and before them lies the X Mansion living room in an utter mess. Couches are overturned, toilet paper is everywhere, empty beer cans about: a pig sty. In the center of the room, Namor and T’Challa are jumping up and down and encouraging Black Bolt who, like the other two, is very drunk.

Namor and T’Challa
[Yelling]
Chug chug chug chug!

[Black Bolt keeps chugging beer.].

Xavier
[Rolling over to them]
No you idiots! If he drinks that much beer he’ll–

[The next shot shows the whole X Mansion completely fine for one instant, then we hear a very loud audible belch! And above the X Mansion there is written in large letters “Talksplode!