COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Guy Gardner

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation:

NAME: Guy Gardner

 

OCCUPATION: Bartender/Bar Owner

 

PLACE OF BUSINESS: Warriors Bar

 

EVALUATED BY: Norm Peterson

DRINKS – Above Average
Guy knows his way around the bar. He can’t make every drink. I wouldn’t call him a, what are they called? A mixologist? I wouldn’t say he’s one of those. He can pour a beer real nice and that’s good enough for me.

He even has some fancy beer he’s imported from Oa called “Ion Lite” if that’s what your into. It’s blue though. I think that’s kind of weird. I’ll stick with whatever beer is cheapest on tap. At Warriors that means Coors.

DECOR – Average
Gardner is passionate about two things. Sports and Superheroes. There are a lot of TVs around. Half of them play whatever game is on that day. It’s a great place to see both The Metropolis Monarchs and The Meteors. Gardner is a big college football guy so you can bet if University of Michigan is playing he is going to have it on. The other TVs are usually tuned to news channels so everyone can be let in on any superhero happenings that may be happening.

There are some games. Darts, which apparently Green Arrow has the highest score. There is a pool table but it’s been broken since last year after some idiot tried to make a pass at Big Barda. Again, Guy just told me all this. I have know clue who any of those people are.

CLIENTELE – Above Average (supposedly)
Lot of heroes hang out at the bar and when some alien attack happens they bolt out of here. I don’t think they even pay their tabs. When it happens Guy leaves too. He tells me to watch the bar and that I can’t let Firestorm or Shazam in the joint. Again, I have no idea who those people are but I agree to it because then I can change the channel to the Red Sox game.

MUSIC – Above Average
A lot of Springsteen. Sometimes you’ll hear Johnny Cash. A little Cheap Trick. No, no I take that back. It’s mostly just Springsteen.

BAR TENDING – Below Average
He loves talking about his finest hours both in football and in space. Guy is not the best listener but still wants to give advice despite the fact he hasn’t heard a word you just said. He is also very loyal. When I first got laid off I told Guy about it. He was immediately ready to beat up my former boss. I was like “Guy, it’s okay. I hated that job” but he kept saying he would beat them up for me. Then he started telling me some story about how he has Vuldarian blood in him. I don’t know. I was pretty drunk by that point.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Guy runs a nice bar. I like “Warriors” it’s a nice place to go if for some reason I can’t make my normal place. Rumor has it the other Green Lantern and the Flash come here a lot but I wouldn’t know. They don’t show up in their costumes. That would be weird. Also, I don’t know what any of these people look like. I just go to watch the sports.

EMPLOYEE RESPONSE
You know who is the greatest Green Lantern? Me that’s who. What’s the matter you want another drink? Here have a beer, have some pretzels. Let me tell you about the time I kicked Sinestro’s ass. You heard that one? What about when I scored the winning touchdown at University of Michigan? I had somebody right behind me and I stretched out my arms and caught…oh you heard that one too huh? Well what about this time I beat Batman in a fight…

 

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Timmy Wood is a comedian who will be at C2E2 this weekend! Exciting right? Follow his updates of the con on Twitter.