X-Men: First Class: What January Jones’ Baby Might Look Like

X-Men: First Class actress January Jones is pregnant. With a baby. The father of this forthcoming human hasn't been disclosed, and that's totally cool. But that hasn't kept the media from playing Guess Who. Based on the timing, one of the primary candidates is director Matthew Vaughn, whose reps have since denied such accusations. Without concrete answers, we're still a little curious. 

So we fired up our 60s era, room-sized calculator–affectionately known as iFanbot II–to crunch some numbers and look at the evidence. What might January Jones' offspring look like if the father was someone else from the Marvel movie universe? 

iFanbot II sputtered for a bit before issuing a slip of card stock with some faint binary code on it. It was out of toner, and since PSN is still down, it couldn't access the global database of James McAvoy photos. 

So we used something called MorphThings.com. It is a silly place

Here are our sharpest results. 

What if January Jones' "baby daddy" (as they say on Maury) was Michael Fassbender (Magneto)? This shall not pass…from your memory. 

  

 

Or James McAvoy (Charles Xavier)? Make it not so. Do not engage. 

      

 

Taylor Kitsch (Gambit)? This is neither the shroud of Turin nor Veronica's face rag, but it is decidedly a new touchstone for Christendom. 

        

 

How about Nicholas Hoult (Beast)? Oh my stars and garter belts…

          

 

Here's one that makes sense. Emma and Scott, right? Let's try James Marsden (Cyclops). I have an aunt who looks exactly like this. She loves outlet malls. 

            

 

Let's…let's think a little outside the box. What about Thunderbolt Ross from the first Hulk movie? Sam Elliot? He could've been skulking around the lot. 

                

 

Doctor Octopus? 

                  

We may never know. And that's okay. But the kid could potentially have powers. And then he or she will have to register. Not with SAG. The other thing. 

Comments

  1. At this point this baby’s had more daddies than Grant Emerson

  2. Glad to see I’m not the only one who always thought Doc Ock looks like Elton John.

  3. I am now terrified. Of everything.

  4. BAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAHAHAH!

  5. Times like these i wish my brain had an “unsee” button

  6. Paul Paul Paul Paul Paul. *shudder*

  7. You just forever ruined Doc Ock for me.

  8. bet its the original writer for first class -Jamie Moss

  9. @Paul:  You have outdone yourself.  You consistently make me redefine my definition of what a comic book website should be.

    Now for the yucks: Do we now know why Doc Oc only fights Spidey on Sa-tur-day Sa-tur-day Sat-ur-day Sa-tur-day Sa-tur-day Sa-tur-day Night(‘s all right)?

  10. Doc Oc does look like Elton John. The first two both look alot like Ian McKellen.

  11. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @ButchCassidy  There’s a reason for that. Though, slightly off on the latter. 

  12. wow, the misogynist hatred of Betty Draper extends past the tv show

  13. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @edward  No one’s being hateful. 

  14. The McKellen one is the best. And by “best” I mean “most disturbing”.

    No Jon Hamm mashup? Ya know what, nevermind. I don’t wanna see that.

  15. Even though Matthew Vaughn has categorically denied it is his, you can’t rule him out!

  16. Shirtless Marsden strikes again! MWAHAHAHAHA!

  17. Agreed on Doc Oc’s baby looking like Elton John. I was a little puzzled that you didn’t use some actors pictured and replaced them with ones from the original trilogy.