With Apologies…To Criminal Organizations

 

Dear Mr. Katers:

 

We interviewed a number of candidates for the position within the Accounts Receivable – Nation Destabilizing Department, and we have determined that another candidate is the most qualified for the requirements of our opening. This letter is to let you know that you have not been selected for the position.

 

Thank you for taking the time to come to A.I.M to meet our interview team. The team enjoyed meeting you and having such an involved discussion about your goals and ambitions. We were especially impressed with your initiative in leading the dine and dash during the lunch portion of the meeting. It was the sort of team building experience that A.I.M. strives to create. Your open minded stance regarding both facism and communism was a refreshing change from some of our more recent interviews with potential candidates. Your rude and dismissive attitude towards the waitstaff was cruelly efficient in execution.

 

Your time in the world of finance is exactly the type of work experience that a legitimate organization would be seeking. A.I.M. is not that sort of organization. We are more than just a helmet and a paycheck. Many candidates don't seem to truly understand what it means to work for A.I.M. To work with A.I.M. is to make a lifestyle choice. It almost seems tawdry to refer to it as "work".  It is a choice to make a personal commitment to Advanced Idea Mechanics.

 

Advanced

 

The world of crime and destruction is a fast paced environment. It requires constant innovation and a willingness to abandon the techniques of old. There was a time where all you needed to bring a city to it's knees was an Adaptoid. A.I.M. was the company that saw the need for a Super-Adaptoid. There was time when a M.O.D.O.H. (Mental Organism Designed Only for Harming) was sufficient to strike fear into the hearts of crime fighters. A.I.M was the company that knew it was time to step up to Killing. That is our history and our legacy. A.I.M. sees the ledge, steps over the ledge, makes a new ledge, pushes someone off of that ledge, and gets paid for it. Our invoices are 3D. Our bathrooms use sonic flushers. Our Lotus notes system rarely crashes. We don't walk to the ice cream social, we run. At our two week orientation class in Florida you would have used the next level of hand drums in our sharing circle. They are capable of toppling a four story building with sound waves. That is Advanced.

Idea

 

This means more than just making a freeze ray or a vibrational drill that will collapse the center of the planet. This is about HOW we sell it. The world is filled with megalomaniacs who want to topple governments and insert themselves as tyrannical leaders. The world is not filled with megalomaniacs who have any ideas on how to do topple governments. That is what we are selling. We are selling the key to a criminal's dream. Everyone in A.I.M. has to buy into this concept for the company to thrive. This commitment must be made from our C.E.O. to our nefarious janitors. It needs to be woven into the very fabric of the invoice for the shrinking ray that we just sold. That lunatic didn't buy a shrinking ray, he bought an Idea.

 

Mechanics

 

Do you know how to assemble an energy rifle blindfolded? Neither do I. That is why they come assembled. Mechanics is in reference to how we relate to each other. Imagine a typical Tuesday in your department. You are putting together the quarterly reports, but you are a little distracted. The Cinco de Mayo party is in a couple of days and your co-chair of the F.U.N. (Fiends United Network) committee is taking her sweet time in ordering the ice cream cake. Suddenly, the alarm goes off. What is your first move? Do you immediately go to lock up your personal belongs? Or do you grab your helmet and rifle? At any moment you have to be ready to protect the office. When that alarm sounds you are a soldier. We don't hire anybody that we think might hesitate in that situation. That is why Lawrence hit you in the chest with a shield when we met in the parking lot. We had to see if you were a fighter. Tears don't protect the home office. The only way to protect ourselves is to to trust each other. That is Mechanics.

 

It is the commitment to those three ideas that we demand from all employees. That commitment is a two way street. A.I.M. provides one of the most comprehensive health care plans in all of organized crime. We are accommodating to those who need to work a flex schedule. Mental health counseling and a concierge service are both available during busy season. As our HR department likes to remind me: A healthy you is a healthy A.I.M is a healthy client. In light of  this sort of fiscal commitment, it is in neither of our interests to enter into this type of relationship with any doubt.

 

Unfortunately, the team walked away from the interview with some grave doubts about your qualifications. Your poor to middling criminal record and high credit score show an unhealthy respect for a well governed and orderly society. Your obvious discomfort in handling a laser rifle was a major disappointment to the whole team. While you did succeed in stealing candy from a child, we did hear your muttered apology. You are not A.I.M. material. You might be able to cut it in HYDRA, but this is the big leagues. 

 

We wish you success with your job search and in any future crime endeavors. Thank you for your interest in our organization. We would appreciate discretion if any law enforcement officers were to question you about our organization. Please note that by submitting your resume you have provided the consent necessary to clone you. Feel free to keep the replica throwback helmet.

 

 

Kind Regards,

 

Hercules Platinum

 

HR Director for the Employee Selection Team and Heat Ray Technician


Tom Katers is looking to make some money on the side. Let's just say I can get your access to a certain website for a certain amount of money. Just act casual.

Comments

  1. Hercules Platinum needs to team up with Flint McSaddleleather, Cowboy Accountant. That’s a one shot I would read.

  2. I have been looking for new career opportunities…how are their benefits? Do they even have a retirement plan?

  3. This is probably the funniest thing I’ve read on iFanboy. Katers FTW!!!

  4. On the plus side the H.I.V.E, whose annual profits and general exposure have really been disappointing since long before the economic downturn, would no doubt snap you up in a second.

  5. For every door that shuts a new one opens.  Good luck on your job search.

  6. Sweet jesus in heaven, that was funny.

  7. I want a replica throwback helmet, too.

  8. Mr. Katers, your acerbic wit and humorous slant on things never fails to leave a smile across my face. KUDOS!

  9. "sees the ledge, steps over the ledge, makes a new ledge, pushes someone off that ledge, and gets paid for it" Love it! 

    Excellent column, Mr. Katers!

  10. Damn. Now you’ll never get to work with Evelyn Necker… 🙂

  11. I was required to swear a Loyalty Oath to the state of Georgia when I accepted my current job.  Seriously.  http://dhr.georgia.gov/DHR-OHRMD/DHR-OHRMD_CommonFiles/loyalty.pdf

  12. captamerica101 (@Autobot_Hunter) says:

    man, the rejection I got from S.H.E.I.L.D. wasn’t that harsh. 

  13. Fantastic article, but the thing that made me laugh the hardest was Tom’s email link.

  14. Tom, thanks for sharing that letter. I know rejection’s hard to take sometimes, but your experience really helped me prepare for my interview (that shield thing really could have thrown me for a loop!), and I’m happy to say that I’ve made it to the final round of interviews! If I get this job it’s totally because of you! Cheers Tom Katers, and thanks again!

  15. Don’t worry, dude; you’re totally HYDRA material. I know it.

     

  16. "That is why Lawrence hit you in the chest with a shield when we met in the parking lot. We had to see if you were a fighter. Tears don’t protect the home office."

    I’m still laughing at this. Many hearty guffaws in an otherwise cheerless workday. Much obliged Katers.

  17. Did they know that "dine and dash" is your usual way to end a meal out? Happy accident, I guess. Excellent post, my favorite yet! It even compelled me to stop lurking!

  18. "The Nefarious Janitors" would be a great name for a band. Another great article! this was hilarious!