WANT! – 05/11/2010

Jimmy Stewart made a picture back in '38 called You Can't Take it With You. Based on a play by Kaufman and Hart. It's about really rich people who're more than a little crazy. Instead of buying and crashing Italian cars or hanging out on boats, this family–the Sycamores–have hobbies like painting and playing the vibraphone. At first, Jimmy thinks they're nuts. But they're happy. The moral of the story, we guess, is eponymous. You shouldn't worry about stockpiling stuff. Because one day you'll be dead and the alligator-faced thing with the canoe doesn't allow any carry-on luggage. He just wants the coins on your eyelids. And even if you want to take some Mighty Muggs with you in your casket, that stuff's really just for the grave robbers who'll be coming for watches and better class rings as well as your body itself so they can sell it to medical schools. So there's no sense in amassing all this nonsense because in the end all you get to do is either float around in the void, or play a harp, or be a praying mantis or spend eternity doing all the unfortunate stuff Linda Blair said that poor priest's mother was doing. A real infernal mouthful and none of it has anything to do with your board game collection or matchbox cars.

But, really, it's just a movie. And we want stuff like the following:

 

We went roller-skating recently and saw a man in his 50s wearing one of these Iron Man 2 Heart Core shirts, skating backwards in sunglasses, his arc light pulsing to the beat of vintage LFO. We played ski-ball beside him and he bested us by an embarrassing point margin even with the distraction of some eight women vying for his affection. We saw him later at laser bowling. He had his own eight pound ball, bright orange. The girls would take turns blowing on his hands before each turn. The managers turned the lights out and all that could be seen were those neon pins, the monitors, some glow-in-the-dark balls, and that glimmering arc light. It was around 5AM when we saw him waiting outside the aquarium. It dawned on us–around the same time as the sun, actually–that he was stalking us. That's when the trash can exploded. 19 smackeroos.

 

It's really sort of our constitutional right to have a few of these ManMelter 3600ZX Sub-Atomic Disintegrator Pistols from Weta Workshop. It's called a ManMelter, but it could probably take out some mosquitos too. But it probably doesn't function, you may say. Well, burglars and mashers don't know that. And who's to say that that madman Richard Taylor hasn't installed some kind of activation chip that turns these things into fully operational steampunk weapons in 2012, ensuring that lavishly wealthy geeks as well as nerds living well beyond their means can lead a successful coup? $690.

 

Okay, what this is, is it's the Holy Grail from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but instead of granting you eternal life or turning you into a California raisin, it's for paperclips. It's magnetic, so you could just sort of remove a clip from an old report that you're shredding for embezzlement purposes and then toss the cllip in the general direction of  the cup and it'll cling mystically to the rim. Said the actress to the bishop. What could be fun is if the next time that idiot John comes around to ask to borrow a paperclip, you assume the voice of an old Templar Knight and say, "Choose wisely." And then he'd snicker and pick one up, but you go, "You've chosen…poorly." And, real quick, you pull just gobs and gobs of that fake Halloween spider web stuff from your bottom drawer and throw it at him. If he's has big a douchesatchel as we all know he is, you can even spray silly string. And if it's Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day, and his kid falls through the elevator shaft you just say oh well. Because she's a Nazi and also slept with your dad. 31 dollars and change. 

Comments

  1. Oh man. The bit about the take your daughter to work day thing may have crossed the line twice, but it was funny.

  2. That Holy Grail description is the most bafflingly ridiculous thing I think I have ever read on the internet.

  3. Holy shit it’s the Holy Grail, WANT!!!  It should come with the jewel encrusted fake Grail too.  I got to have a pimping krunk cup.

  4. I think I’d rather just make that grail myself. Great idea though!

  5. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    What do you mean "make the grail"? There’s ONE. 

  6. Fancy… I may try my hand at making another grail, too. Also, just finished doing tech/performances for You Can’t Take it With You at school about a month ago. I feel current! YAY!

  7. You’ve topped yourself.  This is the best "Want!" yet.  Not in terms of bric-a-brac, obviously:  that Solo soap is epic.

  8. Cup of a carpenter.  Slightly irreverent to the religiously sensative though.

  9. Oh Paul… this is fantastic. I was giggling in my cubicle the whole time I was reading this.

  10. a mass produced, magnetic holy grail that was probably made by a child laborer in far-away-iztan. i’ve officially seen it all.

  11. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    They also make an ark of the covenant business card holder, which is is only about 30% as funny. 

  12.  For some reason I feel something pulling me to the Holy Grail.

     

    By the way:

    GO HABS GO!

    I know this has nothing to do with comics but just hard to resist putting this wherever I can. 

  13. The description/explanation/story attached to the Holy Grail paper clip holder (Holy blasphemy, Batman!) is hilariously disquieting.

  14. I bought the arc reactor shirt TODAY! For 9 bucks less than it’s listed here to boot. My friend saw it at Kohl’s last night and it immediately shot to the top of today’s To-Do list. I actually thought for a second, maybe it’ll be on this week’s WANT! But then I thought, nah they usually showcase much cooler stuff than Kohl’s merchandise. Guess that makes me cool. Or it makes Kohl’s cool. Or it makes both Kohl’s and I hopelessly nerdy. Or maybe it’s a slow WANT! week. I’m stickin’ with the first one.

  15. Note to sel: do NOT take daughter to the iFanboy brownstone.

  16. "I choose….This one!"

    "How did you know!?"

    "Well I picked the coffee mug that says ‘JESUS’ on it"

    "Oh yeah….Kinda obvious"

    If only rayguns did exist, I would buy one in a heartbeat. Then quickly get myself on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted.

  17. Those weta ray blasters are awesome.  If I could afford the rifle I would.