Tuesday Showdown: Lobster Johnson vs. Captain America

Lobster Johnson vs. Captain America

It was a dark and stormy night in Castle Wolfenstein. No really, it was. 

Captain America crept through the shadowy hallways, the broad cuffs of his boots flopping like the ears of an elephant on that last march to its grave. As he progressed, the passage grew thick with the grey bodies of fallen soldiers. Germans with once lustrous blonde hair. Hitler's advance guard. He need not check them, for he knew they were all dead, all branded with the strange mark of a lobster claw. Cap tried not to step on any of them, but even this vast artery of the fortress had become so clogged with corpses that his brisk pace had turned to a slow, methodical trudge. 

Unseen, the Lobster scowled at him from the end of the hall. The Super Soldier and his shield treading so daintily over the enemy. Lifting his legs and searching for the next foothold like a horsefly bumbling over day old manure. For what were these men but human waste? They hadn't been born that way, but that is how they'd died. The Lobster had seen the camps. He'd seen the laboratories too. He'd seen the caged things and the bottled things and the creatures they kept in pool. Dog men and shark men and worse. They killed innocents and bred monsters. There was nothing to be done but put them down, explode their facilities, and seal it all with a kiss. His mark. His claw. 

"I hear you punched him," the Lobster said.

Cap readied his shield. "That's just in the funny books." 

"I hear you really punched him. Or one of them. Maybe not the real one, but one of the decoys. One of the better ones." 

"Maybe," said Cap. 

"You let him live, is what I'm saying. You dropped him and you moved on." 

"You weren't there."

"Maybe I shoulda been." 

Cap looked at the bodies all around him. At the claw marks on their brows. At the claw mark on the coat of the stranger before him. At those orange eyes. "This isn't how we do things. This isn't protocol. I need to take you in."

"Who's we?" barked the Lobster. 

"Good men." said Cap. 

Those orange eyes didn't flinch. The goggles didn't waver there in the moonlight cast through the tall windows. Fingers didn't slide from their place on the pistol at his hip. "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." 

"Is that how you feel about the brass?" said Cap. "That we sit idly by. That we could be doing more? Because if that's so, you should come in and share your information. You've found things we haven't. We could use your help. But you need to reign it in. This eye for an eye diplomacy isn't the way. It just isn't. We don't leave calling cards. We don't strut, ever."

"I invite you to look at your reflection in the pool of nazi blood I've left on the floor. Or the window.  Or in your vibranium shield. We do not strut? You're wearing a human cannonball outfit. You're a roided-up kingfisher without a beak. You have comic books."

"And you're more mobster than lobster."

"You're damn right. And if you'd take a second to look out that window you'll see that it's mob rule out there. I wouldn't have left him there. I might've decked him, but I'd have held onto his mustache before he hit the floor of his stolen castle and then sent a few rounds to occupy his gizzard." The Lobster pulled the gun from its holster. 

"That's not how justice works," said Cap, shield at the ready. 

"It's never been about that." 


Lobster Johnson vs. Captain America

Who wins?

(Show your work.)


Have an idea for the next Tuesday Showdown? Mail paul@ifanboy.com with your suggested match-ups and we'll have 'em slug it out in the purplest prose possible!


  1. Isn’t this one of those things where if two opposite but equally awesome and amazing things collide, then the space-time continuum collapses?  Or is that just with seeing your future self?

  2. As long as you can still hear the crack of a bat as it connects with a baseball on warm nights between April and October, as long as apple pie tastes best right out of the oven with a glass of cold milk, as long as good men and women put in a hard days work to put food on their tables and smiles on their children’s faces, Captain America will always win.

  3. America!

  4. That was really good.

  5. So good, I’m not even going to mention gay sex.

  6. All I know is after Lobster gets done kicking Cap’s butt it will be pretty hard to see that "A" on his mask when it’s blocked by the Claw burn.

  7. You can pick Lobster Johnson if you want… If you hate your country, freedom, and all things good and right, anyway.

  8.  Assuming no outside help:

    Lobster – Ability, guns, hand

    Cap – Ability, shield, guns (possibly)

     So Cap needs to disarm Lobster, easily done, and stay away from his branding hand while delivering a beat down.  Assuming Cap is armed Lobster could disarm him but he’s not stronger than him so he’ll have to cheat.


    Also why the heck would Lobster make fun of Cap’s comics? He has low rent Mexican movies made of him Christ’s sake.

  9. With these 2 going at it, the only people I see winning are zee germans 🙁

  10. Couldn’t Lobster Johnson just posses Cap and run him into a few walls?

    (I think I might be the least creative person on Earth.) 

  11. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    This is pre-ghost Lobster. Not a bad idea though. 

  12. @Paul – My mistake.  Please accept this revision:

    Cap and Lobster Johnson battle to an epic standstill.  Weakened by their battle they stagger toward each other for a final blow.  Suddenly, the door to the room bursts open and in steps Lord Henry Baltimore.  He grimaces angrily (is there any other way?) and accuses both of them of being Vampires.  He then proceeds to awesome them to death with his nail filled, wooden leg.

    (Young stuclach [who was very creative] is smiling.)

  13. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:


  14. Captain America shows up with a large conspicuous metalpot filled with boiling hot water. After  some shots of fired and a shield or two is thrown, Steve Rogers punches LL. LL going backwards falls into the boiling hot water. Steve Rogers quick on his feet, adds some seasoning, white wine, and viola … Red Lobster Johnson.

  15. @Paul – I’m flattered.

  16. Cap.

  17. There are two things that Cap has shown weaknesses to. Arctic sea ice and magic bullets.


    Add Claw of Vengeance to that list.

  18. Wow that’s….that is really a fantastic idea and execution of a fight Paul. Never would’ve thought of those two going at it, but I want it to happen in the worst way.

    I think it would end up being like the classic Batman vs Cap fights. Both have equally fantastic fighting skills and have slightly different styles. In the end they would probably agree to team together and fight Frog Monsters and Nazi’s. Now there’s a villain! Frogman Hitler. 

  19. @JimBilly4 How does thinking Lobster Johnson might win equate to hating anything? Least of all a whole country!? I know Cap largely represents all that is good about America, but surely it is possible to objectively (as much as is possible in comics) measure their skills and pick a winner. Being British, I really don’t get patriotism. Give me Oscar Wilde any day.

  20. @har13quin Being British, I would have thought you would get the Tongue in Cheek attack on mindless patriotism. I don’t have a problem with thoughtful patriotism: allying yourself to a culture to give yourself a sense of place and to enhance your identity. Everyone ikes to belong and societies work better with large groups that all feel as though they "belong" together. Of course patriotism is easily abused and turned into outwards into hate, serving short term petty political ends. Following 9-11 there was so much of that nonsense that my knee jerk reaction now is to mock any patriotic symbol, including Cap.

  21. Oh good job. My apologies for not detecting your irony. Like you said, there is so much of that nonsense I sometimes find it hard to diseminate between jokes and reality.