Tuesday Showdown: Heath Huston vs. Han Solo vs. Malcolm Reynolds

Heath vs. Han vs. Mal

Now here's a story about three good ol' boys out in the black. The deep black. That place between places you could only call space, as that's all it has or is in any real quantity. Space, with no color or smell of its own. No sound but what's already in your head. No taste but the cold sliver of adrenaline under your tongue like mother's thermometer. Then again, there's other places for thermometers too. Remember that, farm boys and farm girls, when you make your bid to slip the surly bonds. Because the stars, they are bright, but damned if they'll keep you warm. 

As I said now, there were these three ol' boys out there, a constellation brought about by as many explosions as you'd think. Different homes. Different wants. But they found themselves together, these rapscallions, one fateful night at the edge of nothing. And what's out there in the black, far beyond the sidewalk's end and the last moon worth a snapshot? Well, for starters, a bar. 

"Now you tell me about this Corellia, friend," said the one called Huston to another called Solo. "How many moon's it got?"

"These days?" said Solo, gesturing for another round of something, anything. "It's been a while." 

Huston felt the weight of his bottle's last drop, tilted the thing around like a child's toy, guiding the tiny speck of liquor as if through a maze. "We just had the one. We put a flag on it though. Played golf without the gravity."

"I don't know from golf," Solo confessed, wishing he were half as drunk as the orange jumpsuit next to him. Lando'd won the Falcon again. He didn't know if he had enough credits to get too deep in the murk. Didn't know if this place even took credits. 

"There's a whore, I think." Huston reported, pointing toward a woman near the door. She was too gussied up for a place like this. Ought to be receiving some reward at the senate. Looked Alderanian. Huston snorted long and hard as if realigning mucus from his kneecaps. "Looks like she could be from Baltimore or Virginia. I know, I know, 'i don't know from Virginia…'"

Solo dusted the shells of what just as well could've been peanuts so let's say they were peanuts from his vest. "Not in this state you're not," said Heath, holding an arm out to prevent Solo from doing what he was about to do. "You're drunk, son. And even with that shiteater Harrison Ford grin on your yap, you're gonna make us both look foolish." 

"Said yourself she looks like a–"

"I know what I said, but I'm thinking maybe she's one a them courtesans. And we don't have sabers at our hips. Sides, you lost all your money and your corvette to Shaft, didn't yeh?"

"Now, who's this?" Solo muttered as the third of them walked in. Mal Reynolds. Distinguished war hero if he'd been on the right side. Smuggler, much like Solo. But none of them knew that, not out here. All Solo knew was he liked his style. Just maybe not how close he was to the maybe-Alderanian. 

"Wouldn't be too worried," said Huston, trying to uncap his latest. "Pants are too tight."

That's when the woman, let's call her Inara since that's who she turns out to be, slaps ol' Mal in the cheek. Reynolds steps back and lets out something course and Chinese.

Huston tries to raise an eyebrow but they both pop up. "Trouble?" 

"I sure hope so," says Solo, and they're off and running. 


Han vs. Heath vs. Mal

Who wins?

Show your work!


  1. I’m not sure who wins, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this…..

  2. Shiny.

  3. I don’t know from Heath Huston, but since Inara will only roll her eyes a short time before helping Mal out, it’s probably evenly matched.  After all, she’s fairly useful in a fight, and most cowboys shy from striking girls. 

  4. Chewbacca finally goes wookie and eats everyone.

     Except Kaylee, cause I love Jewel Staite.

  5. we all win.

  6. Inara wins, obviously.

    Or Zoe comes in and kicks all their asses.  Either way, though Mal will probably get roughed up, he’s got what none of the others has — a loyal crew.

  7. Solo trumps Huston because he’s more cunning and he’s not a drunk. Solo also beats Reynolds because Reynolds is a poor man’s Han Solo. 

    After he blows them both away he grabs Inara by the arm, flips the bartender a credit, says "Sorry ’bout the mess." and swaggers out. 

  8. Mal embraces the First and gains preacher powers. Han is checking his hair in the mirror when Heath stumbles up behind him and shoots a hole in his back. Han spins around in time to shoot Heath in the leg and then continues to bleed out. Heath douses the wound in alcohol catching any drop that might hit the floor with his mouth (Heath is very flexible apparently). While Heath is licking his wounds (literally), Mal catches him off guard and beats the shit out of him. Heath reveals that he has captured Inara and that his other Fear Agent buddies will execute her if Mal does not cease his current beating. Mal currently possessed by the first, now firmly believing that all women are dirty and should be cleaned from this earth, walks over to Inara tells her that she is a whore and stabs her in the gut. Mal then finished his rampage by walking over to Heath and curb stomping him.

    Winner: Preacher Mal

    This is the first time i’ve done one of these… and I’m guessing its probably unfair to inject Buffy into Firefly, but I had fun.

  9. Han wins. Heath and Mal are too emotionally damaged and while they’re monologuing and bemoaning their lost loves, Han’d just shoot’em up and laugh.

  10. Hey Paul, how’d you get Sam Elliot to narrate your written word?

  11. I’m not sure that three men of this caliber can exist in one place and time.  I foresee some type of paradox resulting in a wormhole of some sort.

    P.S. I can think of at least one tweet that makes a lot more since now.

  12. "Remember that, farm boys and farm girls, when you make your bid to slip the surly bonds. Because the stars, they are bright, but damned if they’ll keep you warm." I wept. Amazing work, Paul.

  13. Solo and Houston wrap Reynolds in a bulldog, knocking him out the door and on the street.

    Mal hits the ground and wonders what fresh hell Inara has brought upon him this time.  He looks up to see two idiots who bum-rushed him fighting each other back towards the entrance to the bar.  Not being one to take being double-teamed and tackled lightly, he throws himself into the fray.

    Punches are thrown, and guns knocked away as soon as they appear out of their holsters.   Each man believes himself to be triumphant at one point, and that point is always followed by a kick to the stomach, or a jab to the kidney, shattering his ambitions of besting his new-found adversaries.

    The sound of the bar’s door brings the tussle to an abrupt end.  Inara saunters by with a sniveling, bespectacled, scrawny piece of man-flesh on her arm, and winks at the group of pulverized rogues.

    Apologies and introductions are made.  They straggle back in to the bar, and Mal buys the next round because he knows how much trouble that woman can be.

  14. If ever there was an example of the iFanboy Sophie’s Choice, this is it.

  15. Wow…I believe they all fight,destroy the bar, cops show up, they unite to beat the ever loving crap out of the cops. Then Solo says something about traveling parsecs as a unit of time rather then space and Mal and Heath consider that he may be mentally delayed and go buy beer.

  16. Channeling Mark Twain, Paul?

  17. Well, John Gillespie Magee and Shel Silverstein for sure. 

  18. Han shoots first.  Everyone else loses.  


    Sorry about the mess.

  19. I win because this reminds me that I need to check out Fear Agent. I had no idea the main character could or should be mentioned in the same breath as Han or Mal.

  20. Don’t make me choose!

  21. I think it’s really a question of who shoots first…

    …and we know who that SHOULD be, don’t we George?

  22. Mal wins.  He is the one willing to shoot unarmed men in the back.  He may feel bad about it later, but he’s a survivor, not a hero.

  23. Chris Pine as Kirk wins