Tuesday Showdown: Beast vs. Tawky Tawny


Beast vs. Tawky Tawny

Dr. Hank McCoy had noticed the anthropomorphic tiger early on in the lecture. Who wouldn't have noticed a Bengal tiger in tweed, regardless of the size of the audience? McCoy had given many TED Talks lectures over the years, and even now found himself running on auto pilot. As he wound through the statistics and rehearsed jokes of the Keynote presentation, he focused his real attention on that tiger in the fifth row. He wondered how old the individual might be, if this was the first or second stage of his mutation. He wondered what his life must have been like to this point, if he'd faced the prejudices that he himself had endured. Mostly, McCoy wondered how he hadn't run into him before. 

When everyone had filed out of the auditorium, McCoy went about gathering his things. He pretended to ignore the tiger-man, who still sat there in the fifth row. 

"You were very good." said the tiger-man finally. 

"Ah, thank you." said McCoy, closing his attache. "Though, as I mentioned up front, I'm hardly an expert on mitochondrial–"

"You're wearing underpants." interjected the tiger-man, sans expression. He stood up then, sliding his program into the pocket of his blazer. He held both furry hands on his umbrella, waiting for a response. 

"These trunks are my uniform as an X-Man." said McCoy. "They allow for full range of movement in the field. You must understand, doctor…"

"Tawny," supplied the tiger-man. "Though it's mister. I'm a layman. But even so I can tell the difference between a battlefield and a place of scholarship. I may have started life in the jungle, but when I woke up this morning at the Howard Johnson I knew I would be attending a conference on various innovations in technology, entertainment, and design given by the brightest luminaries in those disciplines. Thus I did not slip into my Underoos and skip out the door." 

"Going commando then," said McCoy. 

Tawny blanched, the umbrella nearly sliding out from under him. "I should say not!" 

McCoy smiled. "Mr. Tawny. I am not without a wardrobe. I own a few suits and ties. But I was asked to attend this conference not as Dr. Henry McCoy, but as Beast, member of the X-Men and a former Avenger. As such, I wore my uniform. When you're trying to infiltrate an enemy's stronghold, trousers are simply…If you have a problem with that–"

"We do." 


"The Federation of Anthropomorphic Peoples," answered Tawny. "You're not helping the cause."

"The cause." 

"There are some people who think we're savages. That we're one step away from tearing out a jugular." Tawny reached into the inside pocket of his blazer. 

"If you're going for a pamphlet…"

"You have a responsibility as a high profile member of the furry community–"

"It's been very nice meeting you, Mr. Tawny. But I simply must be going." McCoy took his attache and began to climb the steps to the exit. 

It was then that Tawny tapped him on the head with the tip of his umbrella. 

Beast vs. Tawky Tawny

Who wins?

(Show your work!)


  1. Tawny. Dude beat Kalibak.

  2. Lion-O chimes in and defeats them both FTW.

  3. Tawny. That dude’s a tiger, for chrissakes!

    (greatest match-up to date. Thank you) 

  4. I think these match-ups should be podcasted. Like the most votes by a certain date wins and Paul (or whomever) writes the rest of the fight. it could be a quick little five minute thing.  That would be awesome!

    Tawny would beat Lion-O. Dude beat Kalibak. 

  5. I love Hank, but Tawny is a clothed tiger drinking a martini.

  6. Tawny.

  7. Show your work if you want a check plus!

  8. What follows is not a brawl, but perhaps one of the most pitched debates ever seen.  The empty auditorium rings with the clashes of witicisms and rhetoric.  The sound-baffling shudders under the force of their assertive yet polite, gentlemanly banter.

     "But what, sir, of your obligations to the furry community!"

    "I recognize no such obligations.  I have not heretofore joined any guild, organization or other so-defined community."

    "It is not a matter of whether you’ve joined such an organization, but a matter of public perception.  Surely as a gentleman, you recognize that perceptions of others matter and that the way in which you regard yourself enriches the way others regard you."

    "But, my feline friend, the community to which I do belong is the community of mutants, an actually oppressed minority.  Many of these people are not blessed with what we would consider humanoid features.  I would do them a disservice by dressing as a man and not in a manner as my fellow mutants do."

    "We are not here to speak of mutants, sir, but of a cross-species concern of Anthropromorphics."

     "Nor, sir, am I anthropromorphic as you are.  There are no blue-furred animals naturally occuring on this planet or plane."

    "That may be true, but by virtue of your feline features and your fur you have entered into our community.  As a man of honor, we ask that you respect our wishes."

     The battle goes on for hours only finishing when Cyril the head janitor comes by to close the auditorium.  "You guys have to clear out.  The talks are over."

    "Quite right," they both say simultaneously. 

    "Let us finish this over tea"


    "I would also like to inquire about another of your colleagues on the Avengers. Tigra, I believe is her sobriquet."

    "Ah, you take umbrage to her bikini-esque uniform?"

    "Oh, no.  I was just wondering if you could introduce me…"

  9. "Mr McCoy" sighed Tawny, "I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve forced my hand." 

    Raising his voice, so the other scientists in the room could hear, "You have presented the histograms on slides 9, 11 and 12 as being equivalent normal distributions, but the units were not labeled on the axis and I noticed the automatic placement of the interquartile range hash-bars did not line up."

    Beast backs away, feeling his animal fight-or-flight instinct kick in.  "It isn’t my fault!  I’ve been a scientist for forty years!   I learned to do everything on FORTRAN and present my conclusions on a blackboard.  These symposia used to be about the science, now everyone just wants to see a bunch of fancy Powerpoint slides!  Just because I have a brilliant scientific mind doesn’t mean I can automatically figure out all the graphic tabs in JMP!  And Xavier insists I submit all my slides for review months in advance!  I’m a scientist damnit!  I don’t need a suit any more than I need the axes of my graphs to line up in PowerPoint!" 

    Now Tawny backs away as Hank jumps on a table, grabs a carafe of now-tepid coffee and flings it on Tawny’s starched lapels.  "If you wanted to see people prancing around in suits giving well rehearsed, snappy presentations, I suggest you attend the next Amway convention.  Now clean yourself up before the bioinformatics session starts.”  The room erupts in applause as 100 frustrated scientists because normally no one says anything to the know-nothing jackass wearing the best suit in the room. 


  10. @Aalbatr0ss given that i’m taking Bio Statistics currently I can completely feel for Hank, Although he really should have used a student’s T test distribution. props to you for the stats references.

  11. Where/when did Hank McCoy get his doctorate? The whole thing seems like a scam to me. I’ve never seen him actually DO anything scientific. He just dresses up in a lab coat, puts spectacles on and plays doctor. His secondary mutation is fooling people into thinking he’s brawns AND brains.

    Tawky Tawny would tear that poser apart before he recite "Oh my stars and garters" for the ten thousandth time!

  12. Damn, flapjaxx beat me to it: Anyone who doesn’t use "Oh my stars and garters." plus a Shakespeare reference or two, gets points deducted.

  13. @ English:  Thanks.  Taking a break from writing an ACS talk when I wrote that. 

  14. I want to see the sequel where Looney Leo spots Beast from across a room and lifts his martini in a toast of solidarity, and Beast mistakes him for another member of FAP wanting to throw down.

  15. @ Aalbatr0ss Questions like are great ways to start fist fights between nerdy 40-50 year old men.

  16. Damn…..that is a tough one.

    McCoy would probably make a super, advance laser weapon to kill Tawny in one shot. But Tawny could just walk up to him and just slash his intestines out in one swipe……I’d say Tawny by a slight margin.

  17. Tawny has a jetpack!

  18. I can’t do better than dshramek. Good god! 




  19. Beast. Because he doesn’t wear a bow tie and has made more than 3 appearances since 1963

  20. @flapjaxx The Avengers mansion had an excellent continuing education program, which McCoy took advantage of to earn his doctorate. His advisor was Hank Pym, but that was mostly for name prestige. He mostly worked with Dr. Connors over at NYU. Good lord his defense was tough, though. Do not put Richards and Von Doom on the same thesis defense committee. He was addressing their contradictory comments for months.

    Oh and the Tiger Guy kills him.


  21. @ Aalbatr0ss — Mom would be so proud of you.

  22. Beast all over the place. For the record, I’ll probably always pick the Marvel character to win.

  23. Beast:  "Hey, is that a Paul Smith sweater from their Spring collection?"

    Tawny:  "Where?  Where?"

    When Tawny turns his head, Beast removes it with a swipe of his claw.

    Beast wins.

  24. Frasier played Beast!  Beast clearly wins on comedy longetivity!

  25.  tawney rips beasts stomach open and then takes his shorts to use as a bathing suit, but that’s beside the point how about we throw the lion from astro city into the mix?

  26. After a few opening barbs (Beast insults Tawny’s intelligence; Tawny impugns Beast’s tailor), Beast kicks Tawny in the face, and he’s not so tawkey anymore.  McCoy tries to follow up with a claw swipe, but finds that he has "evolved" again, and has hooves (didn’t any of you read SWORD?).  Tawney shrugs out of his Armani jacket, "evolves" into a gigantic tiger, and hits beast with a large, hairy metaphor.  

    Beast counters the obvious Blake reference with a well timed Shakespeare quote, but it is taken out of context, and Tawny is unfazed.  The battle continues like this for hours, in both the literal and the metatextual realms.

    Both men are on winded, breathing heavily and relying on their remaining knowledge of Chaucer to demoralize one another, but as Dr. Henry McCoy is on the verge of a breakthrough regarding the derivative relationship between Tawny and the High Evolutionary’s beast-men (connecting both to the works of H.G. Wells), the writer removes his intelligence (again), as a nod to X-Factor Forever, and Tawny calls it a draw out of sympathy.   

  27. Furry sex. That is all.