Please note; in all instances this is about the guys on paper, not their movie or TV incarnations.
1. Swamp Thing
I realize that this sounds insane, no one wants to get all messy with a guy who is a bunch of plants and comes from a swamp. But with him there’s a better option. In issue #34 of The Saga of the Swamp Thing: The Rite of Spring (or in the trade paperback Swamp Thing: Love and Death), he grows a fruit for Abby to eat and she has a transcendent, life-altering experience. The writing really sells this one, the description of their shared trip makes it sounds absolutely wonderful. Follow this up, much later, with issue #10 of Hellblazer, (or collected in Hellblazer: The Devil You Know) where John Constantine lends Swamp Thing his body so that he can impregnate Abby. Initially she’s revolted by his smoker’s breath, so the Swamp Thing causes Constantine’s internal flora to grow in such a way that it kills the bad breath. Now that’s a considerate lover.
2. Doctor Manhattan
I don’t think I’m the only one who read that scene in Watchmen chapter 3, with Laurie and the multiple blue Jon’s and thought “Fun!” Yes, I do realize that he’s unbelievably emotionally detached, (what with the whole “am I human anymore” thing), which would be depressing in a long term partner, but that’s not what we’re talking about. Dr. Manhattan isn’t someone you settle down with, you spend a really strange weekend with him.
3. Daredevil
This is a man with incredibly heightened senses, he’s going to know what he’s doing, he’s going to find everything without fumbling in the dark. Plus, he’s had a lot of incredibly sexy, strong, scary girlfriends and sparring partners (like the Black Widow and Elektra), which means that he’s comfortable having a woman as his equal. Unfortunately, like most tortured superheroes, he’d be busy all the time, saving lives and patrolling, so he’d only really be a good boyfriend for the first few months. Perfect if you’re a Russian spy or a ninja assassin and you need someone lovely to spend a hot, messy weekend with.
4. Superman
There’s the obvious super-strength thing, that man-of-steel thing they always say, etc. But I’m not that impressed by that. It sounds like he could end up being a bit exhausting to be honest (see Action Comics #593 for more on that) and then there is always the possibility that his ejaculation would tear right through a person (not good!). While his physical appearance is nice, that’s not what puts him over Batman. He’s a genuinely positive person, a happy guy (which is a rarity in the superhero world). It’s not terrifically exciting sounding, but being around someone who’s usually in a good mood and is comfortable enjoying themselves can be tremendously easy. Over time it might become difficult to maintain the good mood around someone so relentlessly upbeat, but he’d certainly make a fun partner for a while.
5. Batman
Batman has no superpowers, and it’s extremely possible that he’s an introspective, depressed loner in his spare time. A few years ago Batman would easily have beaten Superman to number 4 on this list, but there’s a point in everyone’s life when tortured, angst-ridden partners lose their charm. Still, he’s pretty damn amazing. He’s deeply commanding, serious, strong-willed, decisive and principled and focused. In any given situation he will take charge, he has no problem being in control. There’s not a hint of wishy-washy bollocks, he seems like a person who’d tell you exactly what he likes and be very clear about it too. There are times when it really doesn’t get any sexier than that.
6. The Shadow
In 1987 there were a series of issues of The Shadow written by Andrew Helfer and drawn by Bill Sienkiewicz (and later Kyle Baker). The Shadow in these has the suave sophisticated manliness of a man from another era, think Gregory Peck (particularly in Roman Holiday, where Peck narrowly misses sleeping with a very young Audrey Hepburn in her first film). Naturally Lamont Cranston’s story always makes me think of Lost Horizon too, with all the implications of that fabulous, lost utopia and the main character’s adventurous/heroic nature. Doesn’t everyone fantasize about being swept off their feet? He’d be fantastic at that.
7. Christian Walker
Is anyone reading Powers? Do I really need to explain this? He’s immortal, he’s built like a god (for all he knows, he could BE a god), and when he has an orgasm in #25, his girlfriend literally feels fireworks. Yes he has two jobs, being a cop and being a superhero, but don’t all superheroes have two jobs? Unlike a lot of them, he appears to make time for a life of sorts. Maybe it’s Bendis’ writing, or maybe it’s Oeming’s artwork, but he seems like an incredibly solid, upfront person – great qualities in a potential mate.
8. Beast
Beast was always super strong as well as super smart, a potent combination (how many giant, muscular genius’ can you think of?). In Astonishing X-Men though, he got pushed into a whole other place. Now that he’s physically growing into more of an actual beast, he’s getting a lot more appealing and a lot less stuffy. As he becomes increasingly bestial, loses control sometimes, and looks more and more like an overgrown giant blue lion, he’s losing some of the tedious professorial attitudes written in to his character previously. Definitely an excellent wrestling buddy.
9. Doctor Strange
Okay, so he dresses kind of nuts, but he can do magic, he understands unknown things (oooooooh). He’s strongly connected to the esoteric, and yet firmly anchored in reality. Definitely has a flare for the dramatic, without being any kind of drama queen. Personally I find the outfit to be a bit of a turn off, but his connection with magic and the way he handles it is very intriguing. I can’t imagine that any time spent with him would be dull.
10. John Constantine
He seems like he’d be the most fun to lie around in bed with for a week. He’d probably know about some really weird stuff too, what with all the communing with demons and gutting through the bullshit he does. But he smokes. He’s also prone to use the people around (though this has improved over the years). More disturbingly, everyone he is close to ends up in hell, or worse. So, on a practical level, he’s out. But then none of this is real, so it hardly matters what the consequences would be. Still, it’s worrying enough to bump him down to the bottom of the list.
Honorable Mentions:
1. Professor X
Obviously we’re talking about a younger Professor X here, not some old grouch in a chair, (see Uncanny X-Men comics from the 70’s, where he seemed to be about 35-40). There’s the incredible intelligence, and his willingness to take care of other people. Most importantly; he could read your mind, so he’d know exactly what you want and how to do it. This is invaluable.
2. Wolverine
Doesn’t everyone in the universe fancy Wolverine a little bit? He probably reeks of old booze and smoke, but I’m sure he’s burly good fun in the sack. There are those scary claws to watch out for, but as long as he’s not too surprised, you’re probably safe enough.
3. Captain America
He never really did it for me until The New Avengers. Before that he always seemed like a nice person, but he was so old-school and gung-ho, he just wasn’t very fancy-able. Now suddenly he’s walking around without his mask on, in these tiny tight t-shirts, talking to people like the upstanding, supportive team-builder he is. He looks all corn fed and healthy, it just screams 1950’s Americana and that’s hot.
4. Hellboy
Swashbuckling good fun. There’s the giant demon hand, which though giant and rock-like, could still be useful for carrying a girl around. Also, he’s got a tail. What can he do with that tail?
5. Black Bolt
The classic strong/silent guy. Because he never speaks, he’s got an extremely commanding physical presence.
6. Iron Man
If you’ve read the “Extremis” storyline, you know what I’m talking about. Warren Ellis and Adi Granov create a resourceful, brilliant, caring, and insightful man. This is definitely a costume-off guy though; that metal would be cold.
7. Green Lantern
What else can he do with that ring? It’s definitely worth a go. And of course part of the skill of using the ring involves the wearer having a strong will and an incredibly imagination – both highly useful skill. (Note: This applies to any Green Lantern, except for that Guy Gardner nitwit, who should be wiped from all of our memories.)
Sonia Harris likes comics and men, in that order. She prefers the ones in comics to the ones in San Francisco. You can contact her at sonia@ifanboy.com.
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Hehe. Nice article. I can’t believe you went there with Superman! I take it you have seen Clerks? Pure Awesome.
I’m a guy but can see that your number one is a great choice. I’m was re-reading Swamp Thing Regenesis last night and he enters Abby as microscopic flora through her digestive tract in search of her pineal gland to find her soul and and fuck it. Is that a nerdy way to make love or very romantic, I’m not sure? I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud but does he count as a man since he is vegetable matter which has copied the characteristics of a man? Pre-Moore Swamp Thing might count though…
*giggle*
Let’s not forget Dr. Strange’s ‘stache.
psst…it’s Lamont Cranston, not Cranston Lamont.
You missed Captain Canuck…he…uh…is Canadian. We’re great in the sack.
I thought Gregory Peck was the one to almost bed Audrey in Roman Holiday.
Nice work, Sonia! I just showed this article to a female co-worker, one who has long chastised me for reading comics. After she read it she turned to me and said, with one eyebrow arched, "Daredevil sounds… interesting!".
She then asked if she could borrow some, but I don’t really read Daredevil so she’s now going to order some trades from Amazon. I never thought I’d see the day.
With one fell swoop you have just achieved something I nigh on thought impossible. Kudos on a great piece!
Jamie Madrox. Same advantages as Dr. Manhattan without that whole ‘seeing all of humanity as microscopic blips in the cosmos.’ I’m just saying. The scary thing is that he’s actually probably the best boyfriend material in ‘Watchmen’ (though Nite-Owl would be okay if you were into playing dressup all the time).
Also *cough* I’d totally do Guy Gardner *cough*. Though I’d possibly want to borrow Hal’s ring, which has that handy ‘make Guy shut up’ function on it.
@xebix: Kevin Smith is a genius.
@lobo: He’s more human than a lot of humans.
@jbacardi & @jaglo: Fixed, thanks.
@ohcaroline: kinky
I figured Mr. Fantastic would make the list. Or Plastic Man. Or… Clayface??
Ha! Swamp Thing. Good stuff. Swamp Thing is actually modelled after Moore’s beard. I wonder if he has sex fruit growing in it? Hmm…
OK, this list screams, "Seek counseling." A plant, a demon, and two god-like creatures, one who could pull off his own threesome/orgy, and a dude who is, at this point, mostly ape-lion. i don’t care if he had Reed Richards’ brain and Superman’s strenght, dude has a furry penis, fangs, and baboon butt.
2 thoughts rush to my mind, 1) The guys who I know from my LCS who clearly spend too much time staring at Ultmate Black Cat seem reassuringly normal, 2) I now no longer regret that my wife is not that into comics.
Was starting to worry when I didn’t see GL in the top ten. Surely he’d top most lists, including the guys around here with their non-admittant man-crushs.
This piece made me flash to the scene in Mallrats where the guys are eating cookies and talking about Superman impregnating normal women. And then, I got this huge urge for a mall cookie. Was that Kevin Smith’s goal all along? That we associate superhuman sex with warm delicious mall cookies…drool…
Good article. I think. Who’s doing the female version?
Another great article, Sonia!
Your prespective and articles on comics is a great shot in the arm around here.
Keep up the good work!
@FACE – I’m happy to admit to my man-crush on GL. That dude’s awesome!
@s1lentslayer – As J-Flan is married, and R-Rich’s list would probably consist of X-ladies, that leaves C-Kil to write the women’s list. 😉
@Eyun – so it’s not just the toilets that are a little backward on the other side of the planet. 😉
Before a female list is compiled we must determine if Tigra has orange skin or is actually covered in fur.
It’s very short hair… she’s out.
I wonder if she has a Brazillian. That would make a difference. Anyway… back to the topic at hand. Glad someone remembers that excellent Alan Moore issue.
Oddly, enough, I read through the list and when I was finished, my first thought was "Huh, no villains." Evil guys need love, too.
That should be next week’s article.
What about the Thing or Rockslide? Those poor guys probably never get any loving. Don’t even get me started on the whole She-Thing/Ms. Marvel character from forever ago.
I don’t think I can look at my heroes the same ever again. Great article though.
My female #1-Black Canary. Leather, fishnets and she’s a screamer. What’s not to love?
The Thing seems to do pretty well.
Black Canary is one of the best, no doubt.
Yeah, she screams and totally takes your face off, deafens you, etc. That’s good lovin’ there.
The hyper-scream is a conscious effort. You’re okay, ask Oliver Queen.
This is the most diggable article yet…who doesn’t love lists, even if they are about doing guys.
As a gay member of the iFanbase, thanks so much Sonia! What a fun article. My one notable omission has got to be Hawkman! True he’d never be able to commit because he’s so hung up on his soulmate, but oooh that chest!
Hey there Sonia
What a fun and strangely entertaining read that was! Your articles are quite thoughtful and with a nice spark of humor to them. You should do one featuring the least shaggable, from your unique perspective.
@SteveM: LMAO. My thoughts exactly. While I found this article well thought out and funny for what it was, I’d be hard pressed to come up with anything more frightening to show non-comics afficionados.
@flapjaxx– "The Top Ten People Most Capable to Kill You in Your Sleep in Comics"
The whole superman ejaculate thing! LOL Did anyone not read The Pro?
This article is hilarious! So no Spidy-love Sonia?
@Kimbo He’d prematurely be webbing the whole room, and even if there is any chance of commitment you’ll probably just be retconned. Its a whole big mess.
Great article, Sonia. As a guy who battles hair from to time, I am happy The Beast made it on the list. I found it interesting that Black Bolt made it on the list–I thought girls liked to talk–but then I realized that this was a "shaggable" list, not a full-bore relationship list. Well done…
Now, of course, i am tempted to do one about the most shaggable WOMEN…
Yay!
ps – the text stylely thingie doesn’t seem to work, so forgive the CAPS..I was trying to italicize…
pps – i accidentally deleted the comment right before mine, I am really sorry about that. The damn delete button is in a really bad place..
i’ll tell you what. Peter parker would be the lamest boyfriend ever. always whining, aww my job suck, i have no money, my aunt’s sick. Sonia i know there always potential to change a man but come on.
and another thing, the sentry, hmmm?
This convo has not started until someone name-drops Fabian Stankowitz, the Mechano-Marauder.
You should give a mention to Bigby from Fables. I’d so go there.
We need a list of unshaggable men now.
Pretty surprising list! Swamp Thing? Hellboy? Beast??? (I’m not sure how many non-humans would be on my own personal list, Starfire comes to mind … ) But, it was an entertaining read. Nice one, Sonia Harris.
Silver Surfer, he wields the power cosmic and has traveled the universe quite a bit im sure he’s picked up a thing or two.
@xebix-Hate to be the taskmaster in this situation but it was Mallrats that had the Superman ejaculation conversation.
And this was an oddly satisfying article. Emphasis on the odd, yet even more emphasis on the satisfying.
After careful thought my #2 would be Power Girl…for obvious reasons.
@mikeromo Oh, that’s why my comment disappeared! I was terrified for a moment that I’d somehow broken rules by discussing Cyclops’ blindfolded shaggability.
To reiterate: great article, Sonia. Even if I wouldn’t necessarily agree with all your choices, you give excellent justifications.
Someone mentions Silver Surfer here, wouldn’t that be just a step up from a vibrator?
@Sonia, I’m surprised you left the Question off your list. You Know- Renee Montoya………… Fanboys can dream, can’t they?
@ lobo Silver Surfer can control matter and energy. he could make a lady feel good.
Girls, whatever you do do not fall for Cyclops. All he will do is abandon you and your baby for his dead-ex-girlfriend.
Sonia, you forgot Josh, Conor and Ron!
Where’s Galactus?
Well, this article finally got me interested in picking up Swamp Thing
@Brandino I swear, a guy leaves his baby-mama and hooks up with the woman she was cloned from ONCE, and nobody ever lets him hear the end of it.
Cyclops aint a player, he just crushes a lot.
Well.. I was totally conna say Grant Morrison… in the straighest way possible. Oh, c’mon! You guys know it! He’s a player and when we all become men, we wanna be like him! Or is it just me? So… how much can we love Grant without it being totally gay or anything (not that there’s anything wrong with..)? Hey, just being honest here!
Great picks Sonia. I’m especially with you on Doctor Manhattan, Superman, Batman and Green Lantern. I’d also add–
Bigby: Like Batman, he may be intense and a little moody, but he knows how to take control.
Dream: Moody and brooding, plus he can read your subconscious, which could work in your favor.
Invincible: He’s a cutie, plus he’s all young and eager to try out his new skills.
Spider Jerusalem: For the pillow talk alone.
Spider Jerusalem? :O Noooooooo!
Bigby… oh yes!
I’m with you deadspace.
as an alternative journalist to Spider, how about Matty from DMZ? I’d go there 😉
There’s some definite furry fetish going on here 🙂