The Top 10 Comics Purchases I Wish Had Gone Differently


You know, writing these columns is tough.
Shakespeare can’t just be tossed off the cuff.
Plus, you start to feel bored
or, worse still, ignored
because no one is Digging your stuff.

Your traffic will never increase
if readers don’t forward your piece.
People just want the gist
boiled down in a list;
essays are no match for caprice.

So!… Here are some books I once got
and, in hindsight, wish I had not
plus great books that I skipped
at the time they first shipped.
(This sort of thing happens a lot.)

#10) Fear Agent is my hidden shame;
I skipped it despite the acclaim.
For its current status
(it is on hiatus)
I feel like I’m largely to blame.

#9) Can anything make you feel worse
than a long box marked “New Universe“?
My head’s in my hand
as I think of Star Brand.
Those coins don’t return to your purse.

#8) New X-Men was in quite a groove
until Morrison had to move.
As far as I remember,
Austen left it in embers,
but I kept buying. “It might improve!”

#7) I never read The Exterminators.
Apparently, no book was greater.
Well, that’s what I heard;
now I must take their word.
Always figured I’d get to it later.

#6) Hey! Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas
has cost me eight dollars in wages.
Goddammit, Favreau;
where the hell did you go?
You’d barely begun to engage us.

#5) Young Avengers I can’t recommend
when they meet Runaways and make friends.
These heroes had parted
when Civil War started:
“Wait. We already know how this ends!”

#4) Eisners seem like a fait accompli
When you hear “Batman! Miller and Lee!
It was quickly discarded.
He asked, “Are you retarded?”;
I felt like he was talking to me.

#3) In ’02, I was really psyched when
Kevin Smith teamed up with Fabry (Glenn).
Their Daredevil: The Target
Promised to raise the bar, yet
we will never speak of it again.

#2) Silent Bob, my mouth’s hanging agape.
Black Cat wasn’t released; it escaped.
I’m still galled that I waited
for an end I so hated:
three years, to retcon in a rape?!

#1) In sixth grade, it was hard to avoid
all the Watchmen ads DC deployed.
Man, that stained smiley face
was all over the place.
I just bought some more Nightmask, annoyed.

 


Jim Mroczkowski should have gone with haiku, but it’s too late now; what can you do? Feel free to e-mail him or, better yet, tail him on Twitter and say, “Hey, what’s new?”

Comments

  1. Pretty catchy. And while I may not have been able to word it that way, I agree on most of what you say. 

  2. I don’t know what to say but I feel like I should try. EXCELLENT article !!  Jesus! poetry reviews? Josh is right, you just raised the bar sir.

  3. Well done, sir.  I hope this isn’t the last poetic post we get from you.  Maybe some haiku next time?

  4. Don’t feel to bad about Fear Agent and The Exterminators I’m just getting around to them too.  There’s a lot of books out there and it’s only human to miss some of the greats while pouring out money for Jim Lee drawn Batman books. 

  5. Jim didn’t miss anything.  He knew about those books.  And he ignored them.  Don’t let him off that easy!

  6. Man…that damn New Universe trapped all of us during tha era.

  7. There once was a writer named Jimski
    On whose list I just had to agree
    We missed out on Watchmen
    That time way back when
    But NU shopping alone is he

     

    Sorry, I’ll get my coat… 

  8. For some reason I have an irish jig tune stuck in my head to this…

    Fantastic article Jimski

  9. Brilliant! Good form Jimski.  This is quite possibly the best thing I have read in awhile.

  10. I don’t know that waiting until you’re 30 to read ‘Watchmen’ is a bad thing. . .

  11. In these tough economic times, I’m glad I was able to enjoy such a catchy article that brightened up my Monday morn.

  12. Missing All Star Batman is a bad thing?

  13. yeah

     

  14. On New X-Men: When did Austen work on this?  I remember him writing Uncanny, and if he took over on New, it could only have been for a short run.  Did he pick up on it when it reverted to plain X-Men?

    I definitely agree with you though, Jimski.  I sold all my Uncanny issues that he wrote and never picked the book up again except for special issues.  Just – bad…really, really bad…  

  15. This was awesome. 

  16. @drakedangerz – I see you’re sticking with your stated plans in these tough economic times and for that I salute you! 

    @Jimski – Fantastic.  I love me some rhymin! 

    I thought that new X-Men was great / but soon enough I would learn it’s fate. 

    Morrison left / the book was bereft

    of everything that gave it weight

     

  17. @BC1: Austen is the person who took over for Morrison upon his departure, I want to say #155. No head-on, seat beltless collision has ever caused worse whiplash than reading those issues consecutively. Not only is the tone Bizarro-level different, but they begin frantically, clumsily undoing everything Morrison did as soon as the boots hit the ground. Prose doesn’t do it justice.

  18. This is brilliant!

  19. "Prose doesn’t do it justice." 

     

    Nothing short of a public execution would do justice to the violence Austen wreaked vis-a-vis Morrison’s run.

    My list includes paying for the Morrison/Lee Wildcats (one issue) and Morrison/Ha Authority (two issues, and NO AUTHORITY to speak of). Someday I’ll make it to a Q & A with Jim Lee and get to ask my question: Can I have my money back? 

  20. Is there a possibility of Augie reading for this one as well?  His voice is like velvet… 🙂

  21. Starbrand was awesome.  John Romita Jr. art.  Debbie the Duck, too.

  22. @Neb: Yeah I want to hear an audio version of this!

    Bring back the mini’s just this once to do an audio version of this…….Please?

  23. I shamefully admit I like All Star Batman and Robin…except the delays of course. I know it’s bad, I know it’s schlocky…but it’s so damn fun.

  24. ever hate something you can’t stop reading/watching?

    1.all star batman and robin

    2.lost

    3.smallville

    4.heroes

  25. @ultimatehoratio: The more I think about the talent involved with those books, the more likely it seems that you’ll see an article about the New Universe around here verrry soon.

    Wait, what’s that? I’ll actually have to sit down and reread them first? It won’t be soon at all? My child will be in college? I see.

    @Neb: I never know how many current readers are even aware of Ode to the Beyonder or its masterful dramatic reading. You know what they say: every iFanboy article is someone’s first. And someone’s last. This does make an excellent jumping-on point, though, and will be highly collectible if slabbed.

  26. awesome article! i love the poem part!!

  27. Heh heh

  28. I kept waiting for the rosy-fingered dawn…   🙁

  29. Fun, fun stuff.  Nice job!

     

    the Tiki 

  30. I hate all of you for not liking the New Universe.

    Psi-Force? DP-7?  Excellent comics, and money well spent.  😛

  31. It was only a matter of time before I owed an entire universe an apology. I’m going to have to haul that box upstairs and go through it, aren’t I?

  32. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    I just want to know how long it took and if you bopped your head along to the beat as you wrote these.  

    Love this stuff.   

  33. *sighs*

     I actually kind of loved Star Brand .  And honestly, New X-Men went down the toilet long before Morrison left.  The others I have no comment on.