Is Santa Claus a superhero? The simple answer is yes. Sure, maybe he can’t stop a bullet with his pinky…but he can do some pretty amazing things… things that mere mortals can’t do. For those of you that don’t know – or those that need a refresher – here are his powers… at least as I see them.  

1) He knows if you’ve been bad or good. It’s possible that he has a network of Elvin spies… or perhaps he set up a phone network thing like Batman did in The Dark Knight. It’s also possible that Santa just has some “power” that can tap into the minds of little boys and girls. Regardless… he knows… so be good for goodness sake.

2) He can fly… or at least his reindeer can fly. Regardless – I can’t fly. I can get in a plane, or a helicopter… or a hot air balloon – but it seems those would be loud and/or difficult to maneuver when going from rooftop to rooftop.

3) He can fit down a chimney. Apparently so can Dick Van Dyke – but few others can. But this power runs deeper – Santa has the ability to get into any house (or apartment) regardless of chimney access. And… he can do it without being detected by modern alarms.

4) He has the ability to understand time zones and/or travel through time. From what I can tell – Santa hits a lot of houses in a lot of cities in a lot of countries…and he does it in a very short amount of time. I’m not entirely sure how time zones work… I know that I’m three hours ahead of Ron – but I’m the same time as Josh and Conor – and we are all like a week or two behind Australia… and Guam is like 45 minutes off… or something.

5) He has super toy-making abilities. If you gave me a fleet of elves and a state of the art toy-making factory – I could probably make a pretty good production line. But – Santa had humble beginnings. We’ve all seen the pictures… little wooden toys on Rube Goldberg looking conveyor belts. He did a lot with very little and has earned the right to fancy equipment.

6) He would appear to be immortal. Or at least he can get really, really, really old like Yoda, or the knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or Wilford Brimley. He was old in the 4th century and he’s still old today. Yet he is jolly… and seemingly pretty healthy.

7) He can eat A LOT of milk and cookies. His calorie intake is crazy. Maybe he lays off the rest of the year so that he can really go nuts on Christmas Eve. Or – maybe he has a super metabolism. I suppose it’s possible that he doesn’t actually eat all the cookies – but that just seems ridiculous.

8) Finally – Santa has the ability to inspire. I can get all deep and philosophical with this – but I want to keep it simple. Today my wife brought home a copy of a “Dear Santa” letter that one of her students wrote. Actually – it’s what got me thinking about Santa’s super abilities.

(Please note – any punctuation, spelling or grammar errors are from the original author… and let them slide because she’s 8 years old!)

Dear Santa I am a 3grader now.  but when I was in 2 grade and I rode the bus these boys said you were not real.  But I beLeave in you santa.  I know you are real.  because I saw you when I was 5 I think.  And can I see a raindeer?  please!  p.s. can you come visit our classroom at (school name withheld) room (number withheld).  can you Leave presents for the class.  please!  I have cookies for you in are classroom room (number withheld).  I don’t know if I am aloud to bring milk.  But please come and vist!  your friend (name withheld).

can I see you again!

So – there you have it, the words of a third grader to put it all in perspective. Time to start being good for goodness sake…


  1. This artucle has made weary of a reboot. I see it coming "Santa with MK45s and pouches".

  2. Anybody read "Lobo’s Paramilitary X-Mas Special" back in the 90s?  Santa was pretty bad-ass…until Lobo decapitated him.

  3. I love Santa for reason #8 alone.  My son is only 20 months old, but he knows that something funky is going on.  Putting a live tree in the middle of the living room.  Hanging large socks from the mantle.  We keep telling him Santa will bring him presents, but he is still too young to understand what that sentence means.  He does understand toys, though, and I cannot wait to see the look on his face when we tell him to unwrap something and it reveals a toy inside.  And on top of that this Jolly Fat Man gave him all these gifts because he was a "good" boy this year.

  4. That was good man. Really reminded me about how much fun Christmas is

  5. 9. Non-secret Secret Identities of Kris Kringle, St. Nick and Santa Claus. He’s like a seasonal Captain America.

  6. @ Horatio: Paramilitary X-Mas was good, but I prefer Brian Posehn’s "The Last Christmas" mini. It showed just how immortal Santa really is.

  7. Awesome!  Christmas rules.  

    Interns are sort of like elves right?  Hmm… 

  8. What’s on Santa’s pull list? He probably checks Punisher for the bad children.

  9. I would add

     #10. Has one of the most recognizeable suits. Next to Supes & Bats, anyone and everyone knows Santa! Why, Santa’s the original Big Red Cheese! Clothes do make the man, right!?

    Great article, Gordon. You just need to add a pic of the issue of DC Comics Presents where Superman actually teamed up with Santa Claus! Great stuff!

    Ho Ho Ho!

  10. Here is that Santa Link…. (hope it works)


  11. Great article Gordon! That letter is lovely, makes me want to beat my uncle up for destroying my belief in ole Saint Nick.

    And the Lobo Paramilitary X-Mas was great, did anyone else watch the film of it?

  12. I caught college English (freshman comp) for several years, and the most consistently successful lesson I did was one on writing "argument" essays in response to the question, "Who would win a fight between Batman and Santa Claus?"

    There are a surprising number of compelling arguments on either side. 

  13. Lets face it, the last time Santa every really inspired someone……..was when he was dead

  14. 7 1/2. If Santa were here, he’d consume the english with balls of fire from his eyes…and bolts of lightning from his arse!

  15. that’s not to one-up anyone, I just thought it was a good precursor to #8, the dude’s ability to inspire.

  16. gotta love these Gordon articles

  17. Because I was a strange child, the thing that always struck me as odd about Santa was that he was never sued. He can mass produce etch-a-sketches with elves and the people who sell them don’t get upset? That’s talent. I once asked if he lived at the North Pole because he was "on the lam."

  18. Weird thought: that third grader letter was the most beautiful thing i’ve read since my dead cat’s eulogy. And i really loved that animal. Nice piece Gordon, have a nice hollyday!

  19. Last year I volunteered to help my twelfth grade English teacher respond to Dear Santa latters from his daughter’s school. I probably answered a solid 100. Lots of fun, and a lot of adorable sentiments similar to that.