Kick Ass #5

Kick-Ass has always been a bit of a conflicted read for me.  I love the idea of a real life super-hero who doesn't know what he's doing.  I love Romita's artwork, and Millar is a writer I've come to respect.

I have two major problems with the series, though.  #1: The Meta Problem.  I don't want to hear this kid talk about how much he loves Joss Whedon comics, or how he reads She-Hulk and Nova  (what, no DC?  shocker).  I get it, he's a real kid.  But he doesn't ever talk about whether he likes Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kremes, and I'm totally ok with that.  But this is a completely forgivable, matter of taste offense.

Problem #2:  The 4th issue.  I hated it.  Chainsaw Girl and her dad?  Ugh.  They completely ruin the balance of this otherwise realistic story.  I was hoping that Millar was taking so long putting out issue number five becuase he was going to undo all the events of number 4.  Maybe Kick-Ass was still in a coma from the initial beating or something.  No such luck.

This issue was a mostly very good story.  Getting at the heart of why super heroes have team ups.  Nice concept, well executed.  I like Crimson Mist's place in the Kick-Ass Universe.  In fact, I loved every page until the last one when, oh-ha-ha ,here comes Chainsaw Girl and Dad.  They make me want to find a Garden Weasel, throw on a mask and attack a convention of top tier comic writers.  A complete massacre of  Mark Millar, Brian Michael Bendis, Grant Morrison, and Jeph Loeb.  No, wait, no.  They make me wan to track each of those writers down and beg them to cut down on the amount of comics they write.

"Mr. Loeb, stop writing Hulk.  You're overtired.  Why don't you focus on Ultimatum?  It looks like it's going to be actually good, as opposed to the Ultimates 3 suckfest."

"Mr. Morrison?"  SLAP!  "Next time Diddio asks you to write a massive event, say no.  You're really good at writing strong runs of one solid character or a team of character, but you're not a Crisis writing type of guy.  So, stop it."

"Brian?  Can I call you Brian, Mr. Bendis?  Here, sit down.  You look tired.  Put the pen down, Brian.  Shhhhh.  Get some sleep.  Yes, the whole New Avengers, Secret Invasion, House of M, Civil War, everything is connected was a great idea.  Yes, you wrote some fantastic issues.  But, then, you also turned New Avengers into a suck back story title during the event.  No, no, I'm not mad...Brian.  Brian, shhhhhh.  You're doing too much.  Take a nap.  When you wake up, go sit in a park and...no, Brian, there won't be any Skrulls in the park.  I know the grass reminds you of Norman Osborn's hair, I...BRIAN SHUT UP, you're babbling.  My god, man, how long has it been since you've slept?  1990what?"  At this point, I have no choice but to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun.  You'll all thank me later when he writes a perfect justification for Dark Reign.

Mark, look what you've made me do.  Look how sidetracked this review became.  Neither Bendis nor Loeb nor Morrison have anything to do with why Kick-Ass is just slightly imperfect.  It's you.  You need to decide whether this comic is going to be realistic, or whether it's going to degenerate into just another mediocre super hero title.  It's ok, if that's your goal.  You're the writer.  And you can write mediocre super hero stories better than almost anyone.  But, damn it man, Kick-Ass could be something different.  It almost IS something different.  Don't let Chainsaw Girl and Dad be the Great Gazoo of your undoing.  Eviscerate them in issue 6, and do cool things with the Crimson Mist, or Kick-Ass's fmaily life, or anything, please, anything but more of these two characters who stand in complete conflict with the rest of your story (and not in that cool way that conflict can sometimes inspire).