I don’t need to tell anyone in the iFanbase that this is the week of the annual San Diego Comic-Con, and with it will come a flurry of of news, News, NEWS. Yes, this is the time of year when all of the major publishers, movie studios, and waistband reinforcers unveil their most exciting wares of the season, describing and previewing them in such excruciating detail that there’s barely any need to buy them by the time they’re done. Crowds travel thousands of miles and wait in line for days to receive this pure, uncut marketing.
But what about those of us who can’t make it? What about those of us who just can’t stand the anticipation for another moment and are beside ourselves, worrying our families into involving our pastors? Well, fear not, true believers: I have you covered. In advance of this week’s bacchanal, here is the scoop on some of the hottest rumors making the rounds at my house, mostly in dreams I had. I can personally guarantee you will not get these scoops anywhere else. Let’s get started!
The X-Force that’s going to be in the X-Force movie is the Peter Milligan/Mike Allred one. Whispers that Fox were going to expand their Marvel mutant movie milieu became official at the end of last week, when news broke that an X-Force movie was on the way. Fans were beside themselves, of course– “Warpath and Boom Boom, on the big screen at last!” they cried by the tens– but most of them were barking up the wrong tree. A movie about a more nineties x-treme Wolverine on a team with Deadpool? It’s been done. A movie about Cable, the man with the inexplicable origin, pink “energy” powers, and a name that has nothing to do with anything? Not the way any thinking person would kick off a franchise, though when the day comes to kill one irrevocably that might be a great way to do it. No, the powers that be are clued into the lives we lead in the Kardashian Age, and sitting right in their laps are the narcissistic, fame-hungry heroes we deserve. Once every kid in America is seen lugging around a stuffed Rocket Raccoon next year, expect intense lobbying for the role of the toyetic, doughy, unintelligible Doop between Val Kilmer and John Travolta. You heard it here first, probably for the only time!
They’re finally replacing the Marvel Universe with the Ultimate one. Ever since Marvel’s Ultimate line was announced over a decade ago, commenters in threads everywhere have been buzzing conspiratorially about the undying rumor that it was all just a prologue to Marvel wiping out their continuity baggage and replacing it with this fresh slate for a new generation. Every time they caught a whiff of a story about dimensional rifts, the chatter picked up: see? Here it comes! This is how they unmarry Peter Parker. Millar has the Marvel Zombies dimension wipe them out. Watch. You watch.
Never one to be second guessed, Marvel has insisted all along that these conspiracy theorists were huffing glue, and that this eradication of “the 616″ was very, very obviously not going to happen. In recent years, this rumor has quieted as the Ultimate Universe has become bogged down in its own unwieldy continuity, and the world seems to have gradually lost interest in much of it; most of the rumors about the Ultimate Universe these days are about its cancellation. That’s how Marvel knows it’s time to make their move. They’ve finally lulled us all into a false sense of complacency. After Age of Ultron, Galactus makes a smorgasbord out of the broken timestream but finds the Ultimates too tart, abruptly turns around and snack sneaks Earth 616. He uses the Watcher for a toothpick. And the Star Brand is his herald. The last thirteen years have all been leading up to this. Watch. You watch.
Marvelman will finally return, as ROM. Your humble correspondent was on the floor of San Diego Comic-Con in 2009 when news (which we learned by reading the web despite the fact that it allegedly happened right where we were standing) broke that Marvel Comics had acquired the rights to Miracleman, who was originally known as Marvelman. The character had been hip-deep in a morass of legal entanglements for years, his ownership in a constant state of acrimonious dispute between Todd McFarlane, Neil Gaiman, probably Alan Moore, and Jesus, who claimed the trademark on miracles. Marvel Comics had settled this dispute and announced plans to return the character to print once and for all.
Then four years went by and absolutely nothing happened. As a result, no one ever paid attention to convention announcements again. Ha ha!, I’m kidding of course, we would be lost without them, please keep refreshing the iFanboy home page all week.
This year marks the gobsmacking conclusion of the Marvelman saga and the beginning of a new era, as I assume Marvel will announce at the convention that they are breaking the publishing logjam by bringing Marvelman back as the man inside ROM, Spaceknight. By combining the hero with the only character that has more rights entanglements than he does, their plan is to confuse and frighten any interested lawyers into throwing up their hands and running away. The movie should be out in 2017, starring whoever loses out on Doop.
These are just a few of the things that the blogonotron is buzzing about on the cusp of this week’s festivities. What else have you tipsters heard? Please post any hot scoops in the comments below.
Jim Mroczkowski has written literally four hundred and two of these.