Top 5: Inventions They Should Have Gotten Rich Patenting Instead of Becoming Dopey Super-Villains

They could be the next Apple, but instead they rob the fruit stand. How can such brilliant minds have ended up in the skulls of such nitwits?

 

5. Shocker guantlets

Think of the construction implications! Think of the mining applications! Think of not having to wear that mattress in public!

 

4. All that stuff Captain Cold has

In an ideal world, this guy would have a warm Pepsi and have a light bulb go off over his head. Eighteen months later, the worlds of refrigerated boxcars and air conditioning repair would never be the same.


3. Vulture wings

“Dude, I heard that they’ve invented, like, a jetpack that runs on magnets and feathers, but Stark and the auto industry are like, suppressing it because they’re in bed with the oil industry.” “I heard the inventor would rather use it to hold up jewelry stores.” “Dude, you’re high! Jewelry stores are on the ground.”

2. Mad Hatter’s hats

 Okay, I’m not saying a mind control apparatus should be in a box at Target, but there’s something there, right? Prisoner rehabilitation or something? Work with me.

1. Those stilts!

Just for impressing women alone…!

Comments

  1. nyuk nyuk nyuk.
    Stiltman. Classic !
    But I thought they already made a blue pill to make things extend and stay rigid ?

  2. Dr. Octopi’s arms could help every para/quadriplegic and he could be one of the worlds greatest heroes and could get any research grant he wanted. Mirror Master could revolutionize transportation.

    Next do an article about all the dickish heroes that could help the world much more by using their cool inventions then by punching petty criminals.

  3. Great list! I think Kirkman is sort of dealing with this kind of thing in Invincible – debunking the practicality of superhero comic tropes. All those things you just have to “go with”.

  4. Avatar photo JeffR (@JeffRReid) says:

    What about those villains who tried to patent their stuff only to be rejected by the patent clerk? I’m looking at you, Joker. Those Joker Fish would have sold millions. Also, I think Toyman tried to patent exploding toy planes but was stymied due to “public health concerns.”

    • I think you’re onto something there about the US Patient & Trademark Office. They’re bound to be some kind of conspiracy/shenanigans going on where the Tony Starks, Reed Richards, and Ted Kords of the world succeed and these villains (not to mention Peter Parker) get zilch.

      Perry should get Lois on this story ASAP.

      Nice post, Jim! Vulture wings bit was especially good.

  5. Rich, huh? Who the fuck is going to buy stilt-legs?

  6. I always wondered why the Trapster didn’t put 3M outta business years ago…

  7. I always thought The Wizard should have made a bazillion dollars with his anti-gravity discs. Although that’s actually why he hates Reed Richards so much. He invented those discs and was the big shot scientist, then the FF came along and nobody cared about him anymore. So instead of making himself rich, he keeps trying to prove he is smarter than Reed. Which he isn’t, so things aren’t going well for him 🙁