Oh my God! Come quick, you guys! I’ve spotted one.
It’s off in the distance, but you can still see it if you look really closely. Right over that hill, perched up on… that perch. I guess that’s why they call them that, now that I think about it. Seems sort of obvious now.
You can’t see it? Here, use my field glasses. Right up there. Your other left. You see it now?… I know, right? It’s amazing. The perfect specimen of a comic watcher’s greatest prize: the elusive, increasingly rare Red-Faced Outrage.
It’s spectacular, isn’t it? There was a time not too long ago when the Red-Faced Outrage was an utterly common sight among even average comic watchers. The conditions for the habitat of the Red-Faced Outrage were thriving: the air was thick with contention. The whole environment was rich with controversy.The false DC-versus-Marvel divide was infusing the soil with much needed manure. The industry was churning out hype into the atmosphere without a moment’s thought about how it would impact the delicate online ecosystem… and the creators. God bless the creators, hopping onto Twitter and shooting their mouths off without a whit of concern about their impact on the environment. Outrages were abundant.
Needless to say, it was a great time to be one of the comics bloggers, whose diets consisted entirely of the Outrage. “Yee-haw, they’re in production on another movie based on uh Alan Moore comic!” the bloggers would say. “Mah fambly eats tonight!”
Then, for some inscrutable reason, the beasts began dying out.
We should have seen the warning signs. The New 52 and Avengers Vs. X-Men filled the atmosphere with genuine enthusiasm, which of course is deadly poison to the Red-Faced Outrage. Then the habitat fell victim to overpopulation: I don’t know how to tell you this, but… sales are up. Paper purveyors report twelve consecutive months of growth in this field. And digital…? Well, DC reports that their sales of digital comics have grown roughly two hundred percent in the last year (up from, to be fair, zero percent the previous year; hard to do anything but better). Things… are looking up. Regardless of bias.
I know. It’s confusing. Nerds are most comfortable when being picked on.
But it’s great. The earth is fertile for comic books, and they are set to thrive.
But whither the poor Red-Faced Outrage? Can none of these artists take time out of their days to have some kind of hashtag war with one another? Think of the children! The hateful, ugly, misshapen troll children.
It’s time to circle the wagons. We must take our specimens where we can find them at this point, and at the moment we have no better specimen than the elusive Red-Faced Outrage exhibiting itself over by Uncanny Avengers.
When they first announced John Cassaday as the artist on this book, I thought, “Yowza. That is exciting. Mind you, I can’t imagine how it will work, but it’s exciting. Every time I’ve seen Cassaday’s name in connection with a book, it’s been in an article about that book’s epic lateness, but never mind all that now. Marvel have launched this huge initiative about this bold new direction. Uncanny Avengers is the flagship book of that initiative. I don’t know what’s going on, but if they announced Cassaday on their flagship monthly book, they must know what they’re doing. They must have worked out one helluva plan.”
Life spoiler: hey, whaddya know?, there is no plan at all. Plan equals zero! There apparently never was a notion, vis-à-vis “what we do next.” The first issue of Uncanny Avengers came out on time. The second issue was immediately late. The third issue will be delivered via space-mail to your deathbed.
WTE (“What The Eff?’)? These people want us to focus on their bold new direction, and then their bold new direction doesn’t come out? The flagship is anchored off the coast of the foreseeable future? Ridiculous. This is some bald-faced nonsense. This is… some prime feeding ground for the Red-Faced Outrage.
It’s downright considerate, if you think about it.
In the end, of course, it is the endangered species’ nearest cousin, Much Ado About Nothing, that will rule us all. In the meantime, it’s up to us to perpetuate the habitat. Try to start a fight with a stranger today.
Jim Mroczkowski should be more agreeable at this age.