COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Zatanna

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation:

Name: Zatanna Zatara

Occupation: Magician

EMPLOYER: The Alliance of Magicians

EVALUATED BY: Criss Angel (Mind Freak)

ADMINISTRATION: Excellent
You there. Yes you. Here, pick a card. Any card. Memorize it. Now, put it back into the deck. While I shuffle I will tell you about the magician who taught me this trick: Zatanna Zatara. She was one of the first magicians I ever looked up to. She was also the first magician that knew actual magic but refrained from using it in her act. She was that good.

I on the other hand use magic for all my tricks. If I didn’t then how could I have gotten that card…INTO YOUR LEFT PANT POCKET! Jack of Clubs, right?  MIND FREAK!

KNOWLEDGE OF WORK: Above Average
Give me that card back. Zatanna knew every trick in the book. Sawing a woman in half? Knew it. Made an elephant disappear? She mastered it. Cookies and Cream Ice Cream? She invented it. There was nothing she couldn’t do. What’s that? What do you have in your mouth? Spit it out. Could that be? It is! I just turned your chewing gum into a Jack of Clubs! MIND FREAK!

COMMUNICATION: Below Average
Give me that card back. Actually talking to Zatanna wasn’t always easy due to that talking backwards thing. Who else knows how to talk backwards? If you are friends with her you find yourself carrying a notepad and a mirror. I only understand her when she happens upon a palindrome. Can you do me a favor? Call your wife on your cell phone? Now ask her what card she is holding. Did she say Jack of Clubs? That’s right she did! Ask her if it is soggy and wet from your saliva. It is! MIND FREAK!

TEAMWORK: Excellent
Put away your phone. Give me your wallet. A big part of doing magic is co-operation and trust. You have to trust that by giving me your wallet, I am going to do a trick with it and return it to you. A magician and their assistant must have trust that they are both going to do their part to pull off a trick successfully and safely. If someone doesn’t then people get hurt. Everyone has trust in Zatanna. Well, it’s actually more fear than trust. Nobody wants to be mind wiped. What was that? What wallet?

PERSONAL APPEARANCE: Above Average
She has a style and she sticks to it, not just on stage either. She wears that top hat everywhere. Restaurants. Funerals. Bed, Bath and Beyond. She even wears it to the movies, which has to be really annoying to anyone sitting behind her. I dig it but I also shop at Hot Topic. What wallet? I seriously have no clue what you are talking about.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Zatanna is a fantastic magician. I would say the second best with me of course being the best. Alright, you want your wallet back. Look in your back pocket. MIND FRE…what, Jack of Clubs? Oh, usually the wallet re-appears. Allow me to try again. No, another Jack of Clubs? I don’t know what’s wrong. This usually works. Check one more time. Jack of Diamonds? What is happening? Ow. Hitting me won’t get your wallet back. I am trying. I swear this never happens. Jack of Hearts? Please. Please stop hitting me.

EMPLOYEE RESPONSE
He said he is a better magician? What an idiot. Tellaw kcirt laif!

Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer who lives in New York City. The only magic trick he can do is making the money in his bank account disappear. Check him out on rettiwT.