Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
Today’s evaluation is:
Name: Jennifer Walters
Evaluated by Ben Matlock
The following is a real transcript from an actual court case.
JUDGE: Any more questions for the witness?
PROSECUTING LAWYER: No more questions your honor.
JUDGE: The defense may proceed.
DEFENSE LAWYER (BEN MATLOCK): Thank you, your honor. Now Ms. Lambert. You say you you had problems controlling your rage. Is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes, I did but I have come past that.
MATLOCK: Yeah, yeah…we all have our little demons. I get angry too sometimes. When I don’t get my coffee in the morning I can be the biggest grump. Just ask my daughter. She knows.
PROSECUTION: Objection. Meandering.
MATLOCK: I knew a girl like you Ms. Lambert. She also had some “rage” problems. When she got angry, she turned into a giant, green, woman monster. She could rip people apart. Just like Todd Wilson was ripped apart last week!
MATLOCK: Now, I am not accusing you of ripping apart Mr. Wilson but my friend Jennifer Walters was just like you. One day she flipped out, grabbed an android and ripped him in half! All because she couldn’t control herself. Have you ever seen an android ripped apart? Wires and gears all over the place!
WITNESS: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. What was the question?
PROSECUTION: Wait, I didn’t even object yet.
MATLOCK: Thank you Judge. I will now get to my question. Ms. Lambert, do you think that there is any possible way that an alternate universe version of you could have come into our universe, via a science fiction machine or magic airplane, and that version of you is who murdered Mr. Wilson last week. That’s what happened to my friend Jennifer Walters. She was an upstanding gal, except of course when she raged out, and then there were other instances of her doing despicable acts. Turns out it wasn’t Jennifer at all but it was another alternate Jennifer!
WITNESS: I am very confused. I thought I was just a witness for this case, not a suspect.
MATLOCK: My client didn’t kill anyone but you probably did.
PROSECUTION: That’s an objection! That has to be an bbjection.
PROSECUTION: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
MATLOCK: One last tid bit about Jennifer Walters, who is a very dear friend of mine. Boy, her ears must be burning big time. You know she was such a selfless human being. So selfless that she performed a blood transfusion to save her cousin, who was also a big, green, rage monster…you know.. come to think of it. I bet that’s how she became a big, green, rage monster. Anyways she was a kind woman,a great lawyer and if she was here right now, she would have gotten a confession out of you at least two objections ago.
PROSECUTION: Objection! He is badgering the witness!
WITNESS: Okay, you got me. I did it. I murdered Todd Wilson. I raged out and turned into a big, green monster and ripped him apart. I am guilty. Guilty!
PROSECUTION: How did that happen..that makes no sense! Damn it , you did it again Ben Matlock!
MATLOCK: No further questions your honor.
Oh how is old Ben doing? Is he still doing that thing were he tells fun little stories that convince the person on the stand to confess. Ha ha, what an old grandpa. Wait, he said what about me? He said what!
Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer who lives in New York City. He has been downing cough medicine all day and is having all sorts of fever dreams involving Ben Matlock. Follow him on Twitter.