Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
NAME: Sgt. Frank Rock
POSITION: Sergeant, “Easy” Company
EMPLOYED BY: The United States Army
Evaluated By: Sgt. Snorkel, Sgt. Bilko, Sgt. Pepper
Snorkel: I took many lessons from him in leading the privates at Camp Swampy. One time one of my privates, let’s call him Beetle, wouldn’t do his chores. He was acting all sorts of lazy. So I punched him in the face several times. I figured Sgt. Rock uses unconventional methods to motivate his troops. So do I.
Bilko: Oh, Frank Rock huh. That guy owes me twenty dollars. I think he does. I just assume everyone owes me twenty dollars, okay!
Pepper: Well…it was twenty years ago, today…..
Snorkel: Rock was a great leader because he was also a great soldier. The man could bring down a plane with a handgun. I am not embellishing. He had the best aim. If he were to toss a hand grenade he would hit the target ninety nine percent of the time. I try to practice my aim all the time. I concentrate, think to myself “how would Rock do this.” Then I punch Beetle in the face. Multiple times. That’s how I practice my aim.
Bilko: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy knows how to shoot a gun. Say I have all these extra guns and gun accessories just lying around. You want to buy some. I’ve got a good price. I will cut you a real nice deal.
Pepper: Picture yourself. You are on a boat, on a river. Let’s say that beside that river our tangerine trees and the sky is the color of marmalade. Somebody calls to you. You answer. Slowly. It’s a girl. She has kaliedoscope eyes. Cellophane flowers. Yellow and Green. You look for her but the suns in your eyes. Well, Frank Rock would have still been able to see her, even with the sun in his eyes.
Snorkel: Of course, Sgt. Rock is the most loyal guy I know. He would do anything for the soldiers in easy company. They would do the same for him. I can’t even get my guys to do drills anymore.
Bilko: Listen kid. I am going to tell you something about loyalty. I am loyal to a “T” and I would do anything..hold on. I got a call on the other line.
Pepper: Nothing can come between us! And that’s just how I feel about the Meter Maid. Imagine how I feel about Sgt. Rock.
Snorkel: Oh, what a patriot. He is in an inspiration to all of us at Camp Swampy. One day we will go to battle so we can also show our patriotism. One day.
Bilko: Are you implying that I am not as good as a patriot as Sgt. Rock? Kid, I don’t know where you are getting your facts from but you are way off base. I would do anything for this country. Unless if was for, you know, minimum wage.
Pepper: I am fixing a hole where the rain comes in! Not relevant. I know.
Snorkel: Sgt. Rock is an inspiration to me. I think of him every time I punch Beetle in the face. I also might have some anger issues.
Bilko: Look, this Rock guy sounds real nice. I’d like to meet him one day. We can go to lunch. Just let him know that we would go dutch though.
Pepper: I’ve got nothing else to say, but it’s okay. Good morning. Good morning.
Sgt. Rock could not be reached for comment because he was out FIGHTING A WAR!
Timmy Wood is a comedian who had a rather nice memorial day. How was yours? You can reach him on twitter.