Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
NAME: Jughead Jones
OCCUPATION: Champion Eater
EVALUATED BY: Adam Richman (that Man Vs Food guy)
Mmjugmmheadd Mmjomones..mhold on..Sorry, I had food in my mouth. You walk into my hamburger joint and talk to me about Jughead Jones? Do you know who I am? Yes, I am aware of Jughead Jones. I have faced off with him several times in eating contests. Who won? He won. Thanks for bringing it up. No I am kidding. Let me tell YOU about Jughead Jones!
The man has a metabolism that is the envy of all us eaters. He is like Michael Jordan if Mike picked up a hot dog instead of a basketball! He started winning eating contests at the young age of six years old! He is in the guinnes book of world records for eating the most Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Nachos and Pickles in every major Baseball Stadium! Rumor has it, he eats at least three meals right before every contest, just to warm up. The man is a legend. A legend. A LEGEND!
There was a controversy some years ago. Someone thought he had only eaten half a hot dog in one of the contests. This is ridiculous. Jughead would never cheat! They reviewed the tape and saw that Jughead had eaten five hot dogs that they had missed. He eats so fast the judges can’t even keep up with him. He can eat 139 hot dogs in ten minutes. That’s 13.9 hot dogs in a minute. Bun and all! Oh this is making me hungry.
The man could be rich if he wanted to. After every contest there is a line of sponsors, agents and chefs that just want to work with him. He just brushes them all aside. The man wants to eat and that’s it. He’s in it for the love of the game my friend, not money or girls or commercials. I guess thats something we all could look up too. Don’t forget to check out my show on the Travel Channel by the way!
I think he is retired now. Sure he pops up in the smaller contests now and then but nothing big. I think he just got too big for a while, he reached the top. The heaven of the Championship Eaters. Now he is an example of humility to all of us in this business. I have a picture of him right above my dinner table for inspiration. The other day I saw a pick up eating game down in the lower east side. One of the kids had on a Jughead jersey and a crown, made me proud. At the Eating Hall of Fame you will see pictures of Me, Joey Chestnut, Takeru Kobayashi and Jughead Jones. That’s it. He was the Hendrix of Chowing Down. The Duke of Digestion. He changed how we all ate hot dogs.
Oh you can still see him. He plays in his band, plays the drums. He still eats as he plays too. Now that’s something you really should see. He ate a really messy plate of General Tso’s Chicken all while keeping the beat to a cover of Edgar Winter Group’s Frankenstein using the drum sticks as chopsticks. Then he ate drumsticks. The Turkey kind.
Munch munch. Oh man this is a tasty burger. Pass the ketchup please, and the mustard, the spicy one. Thanks. And the pickles and the relish. Awesome. And the Tony Chacheres. You got any Tony Chacheres? Fantastic. Oh this good. Munch Munch.
Timmy Wood is the following: Hungry, Comedian, Writer, on Twitter, Handsome, Tall, Strong Jawed, Not An Outside Person.