COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: J’onn J’onzz

Hello, and welcome to Comic Book Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week.

Today’s evaluation is from quite some time ago.

Name: John Jones

 

Position: Police Detective

 

Employer: Middletown Police Force

 

Reviewed by: Lieutenant Saunders

 

ADMINISTRATION – Excellent
This guy was one of the best detectives I ever had. He was really weird but still really good. I’ll never forget when he first walked in here. He says to me ”Hello. I would like job as a detective.”
“Great. What’s your name?”
“J’onn.”
“John?”
“No. J’onn.”
“John.”
“Fine, John.”
“Okay, what’s your last name?”
“J’onzz.”
“Jones?”
“Fine. Yeah. Sure.”

COMMUNICATION – Above Average
He had all sorts of talents involving this one. I had a whole conversation with him one day and then realized that he had done so without moving his mouth.  I think he used to be a ventriloquist at one point. We here at the Middletown Police Department love ventriloquists!

TEAMWORK – Average
Always there with a helping hand. Always ready and willing to jump into any case. Although once there was a big fire at the Mervyn’s Department Store and John refused to help. He just paced back and forth several yards away ringing his hands through his hair and screaming. Hey, who am I to judge? I do the same whenever I watch the Celtics play.

DEPENDABILITY – Excellent
Did I mention that there wasn’t one case that went unsolved? I would get a report about a robbery and he would just look at me, give me an address and a name and he’d be right! Then I would make him tell me where my wife was at the moment.

PERSONAL APPEARANCE – Average
He always dressed the same but sometimes he just looked off. Like he wasn’t wearing his own body correctly if that makes any sense. One afternoon he came in and his head looked a little bigger, I says to him “John, you feeling okay? Your head is bigger than usual and pointy too.” He looked surprised, reached up and molded his head back into a normal shape.
I would like to add here that I haven’t touched the bottle since that day. Twenty-four years sober and counting.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I often worried about his health. I never saw him eat anything but Oreos. That sounds cute but he didn’t just eat one or two, he would shove a whole handful in his mouth. That was his lunch!

EMPLOYEE RESPONSE
Hey what are you doing this evening? Don’t say it. You are going to the movies. I knew it. Wait. What are you doing with that match? Get it away. GET IT AWAY!

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Timmy Wood would love to read more adventures of J’onn J’onnz the detective. He is also on Twitter where he makes jokes mostly involving puns. 

Comments

  1. player1 player1 says:

    I’d like to see someone like Darwyn Cooke or Bruce Timm take on the Golden Age Vision character, the alien cop from Smokeworld, as well as the rest of the Invaders, the Liberty Legion, and the other unsung heroes of that era.

    I haven’t seen too much of the GA Vision, the Fin, the Destroyer, Blazing Skull, or the Original Angel.

    You know… Rick Jones’ Simulacra Invaders. (Minus The Patriot, replaced by The Destroyer. Better costume.)

    Maybe they could have Rick Jones flip out and do that again. With his current powers.

    Hrm…

  2. When you mentioned the whole thing about not wearing his body right, it reminded me of the recent issues of Animal Man, where there was those hunters of the Rot who tried to take human form, but were absolutely grotesque.

  3. JokersNuts JokersNuts says:

    this cracked me up, really funny

  4. kennyg kennyg says:

    I’m a HUGE MM fan, and this was hilarious. I laughed an laughed. Great work, Timmy.

  5. mithrandir mithrandir says:

    Let’s do this again sometime, shall we? Very funny!

  6. Andrew Andrew says:

    I love it. Keep it up, Timmy!

  7. stuclach stuclach says:

    “I never saw him eat anything but Oreos.”

    Timmy is awesome.