Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
Today’s evaluation is:
Name: Charlie Brown
Evaluated by Nolan Ryan,
Hall of Fame Pitcher and Texas Rangers President
Well, I was telling George, If I need to really throw a pitch low and away, I would have to stay with the ball as long as I could…who? Charlie Brown? Who the holy heck is Charlie Brown? Wait, I remember. Yeah, he is that pitcher/manager right? You want me to evaluate him? Okay. Then you have to listen to me talk about how I pitched. Promise? Okay good.
I know a lot about managing a baseball team. I’ve been managing the Rangers for…for…well a long time now. I keep my teams sharp. I keep them disciplined. This Charlie Brown guy he just lets the team walk all over him. They make fun of him both in front and behind his back. They don’t practice. They are disrespectful both to him and the game. The game! You know what, I tell people this all the time, you may not like me but at least treat this beautiful sport with the dignity and I am gonna say it again, the respect, it deserves. Attitude reflects leadership. Mr. Charlie Brown has himself to thank for his team’s bad attitude.
Putting together a team is important. You need to acquire players with skill, talent, RESPECT and good attitudes. You need strong pitching, good hitters and skilled fielders. From what I understand this Charlie Brown allow anyone on his team. Just any old person off the street can play on this team. I hear there is a dog on the team. I hear there is guy who carries a blanket with him on team. I here the catcher is a pianist on the team. How are you going to be a catcher and try to have a career as a pianist at the same time? You are not going to be catching the ball like you should because you will be too worried about protecting your fingers. I could have had a wonderful career as a trombone-ist but I gave that up when I decided to be a baseball player. Just a choice we have to make.
I threw my first no hitter when I was fourteen years old. Has this Charlie Brown guy thrown a no hitter ever? No. Not once. From what I understand he spends most of his time standing on the mound and whining. Saying “Ugh this” and “Ugh that”. When he isn’t on the mound he is at some psychiatrist stand. When he is not there he is trying to kick a football. When he isn’t doing that he is chasing red head girls. When does he practice? That’s what I want to know. When I was a pitcher, I didn’t have time for footballs or red headed girls or psychiatrists. I had time for one thing and one thing alone. Baseball! BASEBALL!
BACK TO THIS ATTITUDE THING
Speaking of attitude, one has to have boldness. Balls are hit at your face at over hundred miles an hour. Those are hard balls too. They hurt. I know, I have been hit in the face with several. This sport is dangerous. No wimps. Also, the other team hates you. Especially if you are the pitcher. You got to face those bullies. When I hit Robin Ventura with the baseball that one time, I am not saying I did it on purpose, but as soon as it hit him I knew. I knew that sucker was going charge me and try to kill me. I saw it in his eyes. So, I said “Come on. Let’s go Robin.” I welcomed his anger. Then I punched the top of his head a bunch. Charlie Brown, you listen to me. You listen to me, Charlie Brown! You need that same boldness! Every now and then throw a wild pitch, just do it and see what happens. You may just surprise yourself.
Last but not least, this guy has been pitching for how long…wait how old is this guy…eight? Eight years old! You mean I have been talking about a kid this whole time. I thought he was in his early thirties. I’m sorry Charlie, forget everything I just said and try to have fun out there. Okay. Now back to where I was. I knew, when I let go of that ball. I knew whether that pitch was good or not…
Where is everyone going? I know we are down by ten runs but we can make a comeback! Yes, I hear the ice cream truck. Guys, come back. Don’t leave. Can’t ice cream wait? Sigh.
Timmy Wood is a writer and comedian who proudly wears his Astros shirt even though they are the worst team in the league. He can be found on twitter.