COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Billy Batson (Shazam!)

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is:

Name: Billy Batson

Occupation: Radio Journalist

Employed by: WHIZ Radio

Evaluated by George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM

From the heartland of America and the gateway to the west. Good morning, good evening, wherever you may be across the nation and around the world. I am George Noory and welcome to Coast to Coast AM. Next hour, the suppression of knowledge, then we have former UFO expert Budd Hopkins, and of course Open Phone Lines. Before we jump into any of that I want to take the time to talk about a former colleague.

KID RADIO JOURNALIST
Billy Batson was someone I worked with way back when I was being employed by WHIZ radio. I hosted a show, not unlike Coast to Coast, in which I received phone calls from people dealing with the paranormal in all it’s shapes and sizes. This, this kid. Yes, he had to be only around the age of twelve and had been hired by the station in some sort of novelty act, anyhow this child was always fascinated with the calls I received during my show. He sure was strange but in this world, who…..isn’t?

VANISHING ACTS
I didn’t pay him too much attention. He was just a kid. Then I started to notice some strange things about him. For instance, he had this disappearing act he would do. I swear, I would see him walk into the bathroom and then he wouldn’t come out. An older, Fred MacMurray looking guy would exit instead. Then you would walk into the bathroom and Billy would be gone! That isn’t all. It gets….weirder.

ODD FELLOWSHIPS
I know this sounds crazy but if there is anyone out there who will listen and believe me, it’s the wonderful Coast to Coast listeners. One afternoon as I was taking my two o’clock walk. I decided to go a different route and take a shortcut through the park. Imagine my surprise when I saw WHIZ radio’s very own junior reporter, Billy Batson. I raised my hand to say hello but before the words could come out of my mouth I saw an unbelievable sight. Next to Billy stood a tiger. This tiger was standing on his hind legs as a human would. Also, this Tiger was wearing a green sports coat, a white dress shirt with a purple vest and matching ascot and He had a bowler hat upon his head. No pants. He was not wearing any pants. Then, he spoke. I heard him talking to Billy and Billy talked back. I ran. I am sorry Coast to Coast listeners. I should have investigated more but I was in a state of…..shock.

THE REFUSAL
Another strange occurrence happened shortly after. We had just received a new sponsor. They were a cleaning product. Shazam Soap Suds. Get the dirt out of your carpert with some SHAZAM! was the slogan. I remember it well. Well, one day during my show we had the great idea to have Billy come in and read the copy. My throat was parched and I was trying to do as little talking as possible. Billy walks in, grabs the sheet of paper with confidence because he has done this type of reading thousands of times.
“Billy” I said “Do you need a minute to look it over?”
“I got this Mister Noory.” He said as he leaned against the microphone.
“Okay and three, two…”
“Carpets are known for two things: being comfy and getting dirty fast. We are here to help you out with the latter. A new cleaning product that will transform the way you clean! Get the dirt out of your carpet with….”
Billy’s face turned white.
“Go ahead Billy, finish it.”
He refused to do so. He would not say the cleaning products name no matter how hard we tried to coax it out of him. When asked why he just stuttered out an excuse about needing to be somewhere and ran out of the studio.

Billy didn’t come into work ever again after that.  That was the last any of us ever saw of Billy Batson. Where his he now, only he could know. He or that talking tiger or that big jawed Fred MacMurray guy. Now, onto the rest of the program. We have Turner from the west of the rockies saying he just recently had a run in with a Shadow Person. Turner welcome to the program…

Employee Response
Oh you won’t let me into this R rated film will you? Just give me five minutes and I will have my uncle come and set you straight….No, I have to leave and go get him. No, he will return alone. No..we can’t be in the same place at the same time…okay fine. Forget The Expendables, I will just go and see Gnomeo and Juliet, again.

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Timmy Wood is a writer and comedian who lives in New York City. He has never seen a UFO although he would gladly welcome the experience. He is on twitter so go ahead and follow him.