Ask…Namor! – 02.14.2011

Last week we asked you to write-in to ask@ifanboy.com with your murkiest romantic queries for Namor the Submariner. Boy, did we get a typhoon of messages from some lovelorn landlubbers just in time for Valentine's Day!

Here's Namor with some soluble solutions! 

---

 

Hey there your Majesty,

Up until last year, two good friends of mine were dating. Last year, they had a messy breakup, and now cannot be in the same room as each other. I want to remain good friends with them both, but they make it difficult at social gatherings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, etc.

What should I do?

Thanks,
David

 

David,

I discern from your tone that it had always been your desire to bed the woman. The dissolution of this relationship has long been your pet project. Congratulations, friend! Though I think your measures to separate the lady from her bothersome cuckold may simply have been too much. Trust me when I say it is more fun when they frequent the same establishments and, as you say, rites of Jewish passage. Wherever the lady is, you too shall be. And where you are together, so should that lesser man be skulking. The better for the man you've ousted to observe you playing with the lady's hair and stirring her drink with your finger.

Because that is a visual metaphor.

–Namor

 

---

 

Dear Prince Namor, Exalted Ruler Of Atlantis,

I love my girlfriend very much, and want to express my love to her on Valentine's Day through the tried and true method of mixtape making! However, here's my dilemma: We have completely different tastes in music! I enjoy many types of punk and hard rock, and she enjoys Spanish pop, Celtic music and death metal. What do I do?? Will she accept a mixtape of my music with my type of music under the pretense that it came from the heart?

Always In Your Service,

Musically Muddled In Manhattan.

 

Muddled,

Take heart. All women delight to the music of Train. Forget what music you enjoy and what music she may claim to enjoy on her social networking profiles. She does not know. Not truly. Because they don't play Train so much any more. You are there to remind her.

Others may tell you, and rightly so, that the music of Maroon 5 is as likely to lull the woman into the cradle of your arms. But this requires that you submit yourself to that same music. And there are few costs so high in the conquest game. Stick with "Drops of Jupiter." After hours of passionate mischief, she'll fall asleep whispering sinful promises into your armpit.

You're welcome, friend. 

-Namor
 

---

 

Most Exalted Prince Namor,

What is the point of your feet wings? Why are they so pointless?

–Mudassir

 

Much like your manhood they're symbolic.

–Namor
 

---

 

Namor,

My wife and I are busy people but we do enjoy whatever little time we spend together. We got married on February 9th, which is awfully close to Valentine's Day on February 14th. We do like going out and being romantic, but there are only so many hours in a week. Do you recommend that we celebrate both days individually? Should we pick, say, February 12th as a day that we celebrate both occasions? Should we simply celebrate the real occasion of a wedding, not the occasion perpetuated by Hallmark and named after a Catholic martyr of whom we personally know very little?

Your suggestions in this matter would be most helpful.

–Jeff, Ohio

 

Jeff,

You are an imbecile. This is Valentine's morn. You sought my counsel knowing it would arrive days too late. I do hope your weekend was a terrible and loveless one and that the cushions of your sofa have since conformed to shape of your dour, pitiful rump. And that your woman has taken up with a man who looks like Steven Weber.

I want to sign off here, but I find myself unable. Even in the wake of such a wretched blunder on your part, Jeff.

Because I am nothing, Jeff, if not a romantic. And the sovereign ruler of the seven seas.

Celebrate your wife every day, you horrendous excuse for a lover. Not just on holidays. Love her in the morning. Love her at brunch. Love her throughout the live-long-day. Love her especially in the evenings. With the television set turned off (or volume set at mute). Love that woman until there is nothing left of her. Because when nothing else of her remains in that embrace, do you know where you'll be then? You'll be hugging yourself. It is a gift, Jeff.

A furry little Englishman once said, "In the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give." And even though he ended up with a very mean woman with a peg-leg, he's exceptionally wealthy.

You are welcome.

–Namor

 

---

 

                        

 

Dearest Namor,

My wife REALLY enjoyed the iFanboy party at this year's New York Comic Con.  Unfortunately, I think she enjoyed it too much.  She now visits the site from time to time, thus cramping my style.  I can't have my style cramped in this fashion.  How should I discourage her visits while retaining her eternal affection?

Extremely sincerely,

Chris Clark (stuclach), Outhouse, Georgia

 

Chris,

She's probably reading this right now. Apologize.

She is encouraged to submit a hi-res jpg portrait of herself, but not you. For a project.

You are welcome.

–Namor
 

---

Prince Namor,

First, allow me to thank Your Highness for taking a question from a surface dweller.

I am a 29 year-old, recently separated from a long-term relationship. I was wondering if you had any advice for meeting single women, as I don't know any. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Nate

 

Nate,

I don't even remotely have this problem, but for the sake of this gig, I will pretend.

If I were desperate to meet and seduce a woman, I would wear a blazer and very dark jeans. I would travel to the nearest high-end department store (not to be confused with an outlet mall). There, I would wander the outskirts of the men's department with three to four pairs of dress slacks draped over my arm. You will surely find this next step easier than I might. Appear helpless, but not disgruntled. Ladies will come to you. Pretend not to understand the system of measurement on all men's pant products made in America. You, Nate, regardless of your parentage or coloring, are from Portugal or Corsica. Play this by ear. The ladies will help you find new pants, and in time, help you out of them.

You understand?

You understand.

–Namor

 

---

 

Your Royal Highness Prince Namor,

I have been married for many years to a fantastic man. He is gentle, thoughtful and works very hard. Let me clarify that: he will stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning working in his lab, come to bed and be up at 7 a.m. for some random emergency in the Negative Zone. Last Friday, he was in the lab until 6 a.m. and I swear he was talking to himself the entire time. Every time I go in there I find him hunched over a problem, oblivious to the world. I'm starting to feel like I'm invisible!

Also, I've been spending a lot of time with this other man. He is arrogant and rude, but he treats me like I'm his queen. He looks amazing in a Speedo, if you know what I mean 😉

Oh Namor! What should I do?

Sincerely,
Suzanne Squall , New York, NY 

 

Sue…aha….Squall,

This other, second man, he intrigues me. He is by far the second most interesting person in this letter. The first, of course, being your own literary voice.

It is important to first forget the marriage. An abstract construct. Especially when compared to your very real sadness.

You must ask yourself. Do you value a man who is capable of great things when he is away from you, or of great things when on top of you (or under your, depending on preference)? Do you value a man who stays up late working on science, or a man who stays up late working on you? Is it more important to experiment with protons and science particles or roleplaying and water sports (intercourse on jet skis).

Ultimately, I can not answer this deeply personal question for you. All I can do is pose a more pointed question:

Is it better that the extent of a man be exponentially elastic…or simply substantial at rest? 

Think about it.

–Namor

 

---

 

Thanks, Namor!

 

Our next special guest advice columnist is…Rorschach!
 

                                                
                                                

                                                

 Submit your conspiracy theories and paranoid questions to Rorschach care of ask@ifanboy.com by Friday at midnight EST!