ASK…GREEN LANTERN (Guy Gardner) – 06.13.2011

Nothing to it. You had burning questions, probably for Hal Jordan. Guy Gardner has answers. He doesn't have a movie coming out. 

Hey boneheads. Let's start this thing by talking about my feature film. Did my rewrites about a year ago (Final Draft comes in a green box and you know how I do). I send my pal Scott Grimes (Archie from ER, the best part of Russell Crowe's Robin Hood) down to the studio lot, kick back and wait for my residuals. Then this trailer comes out and I'm seeing a whole lot of Ryan Reynolds and a whole lot of Michael Clarke Duncan in a rubber suit. And i'm thinking this is not the life I've been leading. Where the eff is Scotty Grimes? I call homeboy up and he tells me he's reading plays and I should come over and watch his episode of NCIS and have some potstickers. What the hell, bro? "They went another way." 

Story of my life. Which is to say, my life with Hal Jordan hogging all the screen time. But that's okay. Keep an eye on NBC for me and the real Kilowog overhauling some fatties on The Biggest Poozer: Couples. 

 

Paul, here's a question for Mr. Gardner.

Mr. Gardner,

My wife and I have been trying to decide what to do with our yard. Right now, it's just a basic type of situation. There's grass, a tree that doesn't seem to be sprouting leaves this summer, and a bush or two. Nothing special. In your experience, Mr. Gardner, do cherry blossom trees do well in the Ohio River Valley? I think that would make our yard stand out and contribute something special to the neighborhood. If not cherry blossoms, what type of greenery do you recommend? Are rose bushes easy to tend?

Thanks,

Jeff Reid

 

Is this a joke? I almost have a movie being made about me out next week that's about everyone else I work with aside from me. 

What you want is a cactus. Bastards are resilient. 

 

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Guy,

What’s up with the power vest and popped collar, man?  Have you noticed many of other super heroes layering their uniform tops?  I’m guessing no, and here’s why: A.) you look like an idiot, B.) increased dimensions=increased liability and C.) you look like an idiot.  This is the 21st century bro, have you considered something a little less MJ "Thriller" and a little more CGI? Check out Donna Troy, or your boy Ry-Ry Reynolds in the new GL flick.  You’ve got the power ring, use your imagination.

Signed,

Better Dressed than You

San Francisco

 

First, I just want to say to this. CGI isn't real. I've played around with computers and I don't think we have the technology to be doing any of that yet. If you say they used computers to fake the moon landing, Buzz Aldrin would pop you in the temple. Both at the same time. So forget what you've seen in the special features (dweeb) and except the fact that it either happened or it's some dude in a rubber suit. 

Alright. Second. You're the one who is an idiot. 

Also. Too soon. Michael Jackson just died, I found out. News like that doesn't really travel so fast when you're eating lunch in a cafeteria with some Ray Harryhausen looking dudes. Not that they look like Ray, but they look like characters out of Sinbad. 

Back to the more important part. You being dumb as a sock full of washing machines. 

The last time I spent more than three months solid on Earth, this cat by the name of Sisqo was devouring the Billboard charts. He was wearing sleeveless trench coats and had painted on silver hair. And you know he's legit because his guitar is a dragon. Again, I've been in outer space for a while, but knowing Earth the way I do, that guy is still ruling the world from The Box music network. 

I've also dated Fire and or Ice. So. 

You're probably wearing a maroon cardigan and some beat up old LA Gear knockoffs. 

Whatever. 

 

 

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Let's say someone punches you in the face. Whats the best way to react to it? Do you roll with the punch? Do you try to head butt the fist? I always get punched in the face! Help me out bro!

Timmy Wood

 

Let's say someone punches you in the face, chump. 

Everybody talks about this like it wasn't a cheap shot. Like homeboy didn't have ball bearings and marbles in his glove or that he gasses me with some science experiment from his trick belt. 

If you get punched, the trick is for the guy to not be cheating. 

 

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Guy:

I keep finding ex-girlfriends shoved in my refrigerator. It's happened 3 times in the last week.  This has resulted in a number of shattered pickle jars.  

What do you suggest I do?  I've tried following Kyle's advice by drawing thoughtful pictures (of pickles) and crying myself to sleep, but that doesn't seem to be working.

Thanks.

Chris Clark

stuclach

Outhouse, Georgia

 

Man, I joke about this one and I get in trouble. I'm still not entirely sure this actually went down, because who would even do that? It sounds like a cheap way of giving a dude added incentive to kiss some asses. But Kyle is pretty intense about it. All I know is that if you throw out a refrigerator now you have to take the door off or lock it so some kid or somebody's girlfriend can't get trapped in it. 

 

 

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Dear Mr Gardner:

My name is Timmy and I am 6 years old. My daddy reads me Green Lantern comics all the time, and you are my favorite because you are tough and have red hair like me. My daddy likes Hal the best, he alright I guess. Next week is my birthday and I would really like if you could come. You wouldn't have to bring any presents because you coming would be the best preset ever. My daddy said you are pretty busy with your job with the Green Lanterns and that I shouldn't be upset if you can't come.

Thank you for reading my Letter Mr. Gardner and I hope to see you at my birthday.

From your biggest fan and future Green Lantern,

Timmy

Regards,

Kyle (WeaklyRoll)

 

This is a real letter we got and I just wanted to include it to show that it should've been my movie basically. Kids get why I'm the more relatable hero even if I'm not really playing at an attainable level of thug.

Scott Grimes could've done something with that but he was doing NCIS and reading plays or whatever and "felt awkward" sneaking onto to set. This is why they make sunglasses, clown. Anyway, enjoy your Van Wilder in space. This Emerald Warrior has his own reboot book to prep for. And it's gonna outsell all those other rags by dozens. Dozens. 

I will not be attending this party because honestly it sounds kind of lame. 

 

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Next week? Black Bolt!

                                                                  

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